When you have just discovered that you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, it can be a shock. Suddenly you realize how you have been abused mentally and you feel like a victim. That’s fine for a while, but if you are stuck are in a victim mentality, your abuser will have a hold on you for the rest of your life…
The victim mentality and the turning point
The first time I learned that I had to leave the victim mentality behind was when I gave my very first webinar – together with fellow experience expert Judith Hagelen – back in 2017. Judith talked about victim mentality and why it is important you don’t get stuck in it. That made me aware of the fact I also was still in the victim mentality at the time. It was then only two and a half years ago that I discovered that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder.
The turning point for me came more than a year later. At the end of 2018, it dawned on me that I needed to make a drastic change in my life. Otherwise, my narcissistic mother would continue to define the rest of my life.
I became combative and said, “My narcissistic mother has destroyed a huge part of my life, but I will not let her destroy the rest of my life!”
Since then I have been working on improving my life on several fronts. I wanted to change three things: (a) personal growth, becoming the best version of myself, (b) a relationship, I wanted a girlfriend again, and (c) growing business with my company, being able to live off my company.
To achieve these three goals, I signed up for EMDR and cognitive behavioral therapy. I have also signed up with some dating sites and have invested in coaching for my company.
Stepping out of the victim mentality
When you’re stuck in the victim mentality, you program your misfortune. You will not take any action to change your life and thereby remain in the same unhappy situation.
Getting out of a victim mentality is a long process, but you must take the first step.
A bit of theory:
- Do you often blame others for your problems?
- Do you prefer to talk in terms of problems rather than solutions?
- Do you often complain about things that are not fair?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above questions, you are still in the victim mentality.
Focusing on solutions rather than problems will take you much further in life.
An extreme example of this is the survivors of the WWII concentration camps. Those who set themselves a goal for the period when they would be free again had the best chance of survival.
- Are you able to find a connection between your behavior and your problem?
If you answered yes to this question, then you are on the right track. You will be increasingly able to put aside the imposed victim mentality!
You are a victim but you must not be…
We discuss the above theory in detail in the “30-Day Narcissism Free Challenge”. It is sometimes met with resistance. The remark I usually hear is, “You are a victim, but you’re not allowed to be one”. And honestly, I had the exact same feeling when I first learned about it.
But to leave the narcissistic abuse behind you, you must take responsibility for your own life. Only you can change it! As long as you don’t do that, you will remain in the grip of the narcissist, even if you have not had contact with them for years.
Thoughts that keep you in the victim mentality
We often think ourselves further into the victim mentality. It is important that we recognize these harmful thoughts, so here are some examples:
- Why does this always happen to me?
- They should have done this/that.
- If only I had…
- I have that again!
Instead of having thoughts like this, ask yourself what you can do now to change the situation. And then do it!
The influence of your environment
Your environment can also reinforce the victim mentality. When the majority of the people around you think in problems instead of solutions, you will start doing this yourself.
However, if you associate with people who give you tips on how to change your situation, you will feel less victimized and more likely to take action to improve your life.
I got the victim role from home. I already wrote about my narcissistic mother in the article of the same name. But my father also has a victim mentality. He could never bring himself to get out of it.
He expects others to come to his aid and does nothing himself. And when help is not forthcoming, or not offered in the right way, he only becomes more frustrated and angry.
Actually, my father has been my biggest motivation to get out of the victim mentality. He is now very old and bitter about his life. I resolved to do everything I could not to look back on my life with regret when I am old.
After I had shaken off the victim mentality myself, it often clashed with my father. Sometimes I tried to make him realize that you are the only one who can change your life. Then he puts out his well-used riff that he is pathetic.
Unfortunately, I can not help my father. It’s too late for him. But not for you yet!
Help to get out of the victim mentality
The first step to step out of the victim mentality is to participate in the “30-Day Narcissism Free Challenge”. You get to work with yourself employing a daily email. The participants assist each other on a secret forum, where you also carry out your assignments.
The challenge has been running for years in the Netherlands and Belgium and has already helped many people take the step from victim to survivor of narcissistic abuse. Are you the next one?
