Signs of a narcissist

We all know them, those bloated people who always have to be the center of attention. These kinds of people are often called narcissists. But what are the signs of a narcissist and is it so easy to uncover someone as a narcissist?

The inflated attention grabber is usually laughed at behind their back. However, there is also a very malicious form of narcissism. This is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). It is estimated that between 1% -6% of the population has NPD.

Signs of a narcissist

The term narcissism comes from Narcissus, a character from Greek mythology who fell in love with his reflection. You could say that a narcissist has an exaggerated form of self-love. But actually, it is an empty person who pretends to be bigger at the expense of others.

The signs of a narcissist are characterized by very poor empathy and an inability to take criticism. They have an idealized image of themselves and want others to see them that way. They have no regard for the needs of other people. It’s all about the narcissist itself.

Although they seem to be able to adapt very well, there is one situation in which they “fall out”. When someone attacks their ideal self-image, they usually go into a frenzy. They will use all sorts of tactics to divert attention from themselves and blame someone else.

Often narcissists chooses their victims very carefully. People who already suffer from low self-esteem run an extra risk of becoming victims of narcissistic abuse. After all, they are easy to overwhelm. Narcissists like to have someone with low self-confidence in their environment. They can “raise” themselves by devaluating this person.

When this person tries to set boundaries, the narcissist will turn things around and say that the victim should not act like that. Then the narcissist itself will play the offended person and make the victim feel guilty. Obviously, this is very confusing. You think you have a valid point of criticism and suddenly you feel that you are the instigator.

Diagnosing a Narcissist

It will be extremely difficult to get a narcissist diagnosed. They always feel that they are not doing anything wrong and if someone has problems with them, it is the other person’s fault. It will therefore not be possible to get them to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis. Unfortunately, as the targets of narcissists, we are forced to do our own research.

Off course, we are not officially allowed to make a diagnosis, but without the cooperation of the “patient”, there is little else to do.

The standard manual for psychiatric diagnosis is the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). The DSM-IV lists 9 signs of a narcissist. When a person has at least 5 of these characteristics, they can be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance. For example, exaggerating achievements and talents, while expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or highstatus people or institutions.
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has a sense of entitlement, which results in unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
6. Is interpersonally exploitative, takes advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Covert narcissism

While a person with overt narcissism stands out because of their obvious narcissistic traits, there is an even more dangerous type of narcissism… Covert narcissism! The covert narcissist knows how to adapt better to their environment and will therefore not be recognized as a narcissist. They are often seen as extremely friendly people in their environment. But privately they show their true face. I’ve personally experienced this as I was unlucky enough to be born into a family with a narcissistic mother.

To the outside world, my mother was a sweet and caring woman. But in reality, she terrorized our family. She destroyed my father, a vulnerable and insecure man. I was regularly portrayed by her as an egoist. She used that word many times, while she herself actually was the egoist. Now I know this is a typical narcissist tactic, projection. Attributing the negative qualities of yourself to someone else.

The signs of a narcissist in my mother

I was also mentally abused by my mother. For example, at the age of 11, I had back problems. Therefore, I had to go to physiotherapy once a week and do exercises at home every evening. I did these exercises with my narcissistic mother...

The exercises consisted of throwing a ball. Mum threw the ball to me and I had to catch it and throw it back. When something went wrong, she started a furious tirade. "You dirty selfish brat!" she yelled at me hysterically. "Me me me!".

I had no idea what I'd done to deserve this treatment. But if she said so, it must be true. "Wait until you get to secondary school," she continued, "They'll teach you that. They'll beat you up!"

The aggressive gestures she made and the grim face she drew with it are still burned into my retina. And so it went every evening! I knew exactly what was going to happen beforehand, so I had great anxiety in advance and caught the ball as if numb. This seemed to be a reason for her to go the extra mile. I didn't have to count on grace.

Also read the article: Narcissistic mother >>

Signs of covert narcissism

This type of behavior is a typical sign of a covert narcissist. The fact that they behave completely differently from the outside world means that victims are often not believed. To link it again to my own situation: A teacher once told me that I should be happy with such a mother... The outside world just couldn't imagine how that nice woman (in this case) behaves behind closed doors.

Because of this, it is possible that a narcissist can go on for years without being detected. In those years they leave behind a wake of destruction and victims. In most cases, the victims of narcissistic abuse will suffer for the rest of their lives.