Hi, I’m Judith Hagelen. Along with Herman Liesemeijer, I organized a workshop on healing from narcissistic abuse in 2017. In this guest blog, I share the story of my nine-year relationship with a narcissist.
How My relationship with a Narcissist started
Well. There I was, at the bus station in Bangkok with my two-year-old son, a buggy, suitcase, and overnight bag. No money, I didn’t know anyone and I had absolutely no idea what my next step would be. What did I know? That I was finally free…
It all started in 1997. I just came out of a year working on a cruise ship. I wanted to rest. But I didn’t want to do that in our little country, the Netherlands. So I decided to go to Spain, where my father lives with his wife.
I met him in a bar. Together with my father and his wife we went to dinner and after we decided to have another drink in a bar with live music. We soon started talking and made another date. How attentive, sweet, caring and handsome he looked. Also, intelligent. And he was a musician, which made him all the more attractive to me. I have experienced firsthand that love can be so incredibly blind.
What I didn’t know at the time was; that he was self-centered, sadistic, manipulative, jealous, sophisticated and abusive emotionally and physically. That crept in very slowly. Never mind that I knew I was starting a relationship with a narcissist…
We did a lot of fun things together. He helped with cooking and washing up. We went shopping together. What a dream man. We soon moved in together, and over a long period of time the help became less and less. Eventually, I did almost everything alone. I didn’t even mind. I was so in love.
The First Signs
The first signs — “Judith, this man is not right for you” — were evident. Why I didn’t leave right away is still a mystery to me. I was in love. You think everything will be fine, and you adapt. It’s all very gradual, and you don’t notice it creeping in.
When I wanted to leave with a girlfriend, I underwent a thorough interrogation: who are you going with, who else is there, where are you going, how are you getting there, what time will you be home? If I wasn’t home on time, he would knock the taste out of my mouth. Yes, he was also very violent.
Sadistic behaviour
My partner, an Englishman, had a penchant for authentic English food. Having worked in the hospitality industry for 17 years, I considered myself a competent cook and believed I could prepare anything. He requested Yorkshire pudding, a dish made with flour, water, and a few other ingredients. With the recipe and necessary ingredients already in the kitchen, I thought I could easily handle it.
However, nothing could be further from the truth. According to the gentleman, it was not good, and I had to do it four times. When the ingredients ran out, I had to go to the supermarket to do some shopping and make it again. Even after attempting it six times, it still wasn’t right.
At this point, I was already deeply entrenched in the relationship and couldn’t see a way out. I hadn’t considered leaving yet because there was always something he did that seemed like an expression of love. So, I stayed and adapted even more.
I couldn’t offer criticism because that would make him angry. If I wanted to discuss things or asked if I could do something he didn’t like, he became upset.
There were a few instances where I said something wrong. We were in the car when suddenly he stopped, and I was forced to get out. I had to walk, regardless of the distance. I never got into that car again, and so I walked home for three hours.
Married to a narcissist
We got married and had a child. At that time, I thought things would get better. How naive could I be? They only got worse. To make matters even more challenging, he turned to cocaine. Initially, we used it once a week. It gradually escalated to three to four times a day.
We also constantly moved from one place to another due to his work. I never complained and continuously adjusted. I have lived in almost every part of the south coast of Spain, from Nerja to Mijas-Costa and everything in between.
At some point in 2005, I packed everything up and took my son to live with my father. I had already bought the plane ticket to the Netherlands and had cut off all contact with my partner. He had called my father and wanted to speak to me. We met, and he told me how much he missed us and how deeply he loved us. I am the type of person who does everything to save a relationship, so I was persuaded to go to Thailand with him.
I thought that we’d be okay. Indeed, how stupid could I be? He was now dependent on cocaine and always needed to have a fix. However, during those times, he seemed calm, and we could still have a reasonable conversation. In Thailand, it was difficult to get cocaine, but ganja was easy to obtain. Smoking this was much stronger than cocaine. The ganja use also escalated from a little to a lot.
Freed from the relationship with a narcissist
Then it got too bad… He had bought a playpen bracket and a kind of police baton. The result was a hole in my head, a black eye, and a badly bruised arm. Meanwhile, I was sleeping in another room with my son because he didn’t want me around anymore unless he wanted sex.
When he started beating my son, it was finally enough for me. I packed a suitcase with my son’s things, and in the middle of the night, I snuck out of the house. I had just enough money to travel by bus from Phuket to Bangkok and maybe stay for two or three nights in a cheap hotel. I thought, “When I get there, I’ll figure it out.” So, thought and done. Finally free.
How I found out I was in a relationship with a narcissist
That is some of what I experienced. I didn’t recognize it as narcissism at the time. Many years later, I stumbled upon it by chance while surfing the internet and came across an article that caught my attention. The more I read, the more my mouth opened in surprise, and more puzzle pieces fell into place. Then I finally understood what it was. It wasn’t me. I had been abused by a narcissist.
