People commonly assume that most narcissists are men. However, the percentage of male and female narcissists is likely much closer. Narcissistic women, often covert narcissists, are less likely to be recognized as narcissists.
Ratio of Narcissistic Men vs Narcissistic Women
Estimates of people with narcissistic personality disorder range from 1 to 6 percent. It was once believed that 50 to 75 percent of them would be male, with some sources claiming as high as 80%. However, this outdated assumption is still often accepted uncritically.
Recent estimates indicate that the ratio of narcissistic men to narcissistic women is much closer than previously assumed.
Official figures reveal a 7.7% prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder in men, compared to 4.8% in women, resulting in a 2.9% difference.
Interestingly, the percentage is significantly higher among individuals born after 1980 than those born before 1980, likely influenced by upbringing and social media.
It’s important to note that the provided statistics only account for officially diagnosed cases of narcissistic personality disorder. The majority of narcissists remain undiagnosed.
As mentioned, female narcissists are often covert, making them less likely to be identified. Therefore, the actual percentages are likely even closer.
Why Narcissistic Women Are Less Visible
Narcissistic women, typically covert narcissists, are less visible due to gender roles and differing attractions between men and women.
For instance, a male narcissist’s apparently confident behavior and social skills make him attractive to most women. This dynamic often leads women to fall for narcissists repeatedly.
Conversely, men are drawn to different qualities in women. Hence, narcissistic women often adopt the role of the sweet, caring wife.
My narcissistic mother is a prime example. To the outside world, she portrayed herself as a loving, caring mother. However, behind closed doors, she revealed a different persona. When I faced bullying and sought support, she blamed me, while outwardly playing the concerned mother trying to resolve the issue.
Refer to the article ‘Narcissistic Mother‘ for more insights.
The perception that more narcissists are men also stems from cultural factors. Men are expected to assert themselves, but research indicates that the number of men experiencing domestic violence from women is higher than previously believed.
When a man discloses that he is a victim of abuse, whether mental or physical, he often encounters less understanding than a woman. Consequently, he may hesitate to share his experience openly.
“Most narcissists are men”
In late 2017, I co-organized a workshop with Judith Hagelen, where the majority of participants were women. One attendee mistakenly concluded that most narcissists must be male. However, this assumption is not accurate. The skewed gender distribution was influenced by Facebook’s algorithm, which predominantly showed the ad to women based on their clicks.
Currently, there is an increasing number of men participating in our help programs.
Overt Narcissism vs. Covert Narcissism
As mentioned, narcissistic women are usually covert narcissists. But what exactly is the difference?
The overt narcissist is what most people imagine when they think of a narcissist: a bloated bully who always has the upper hand. For instance, an overt narcissist is emphatically present and exudes self-confidence. In contrast, a covert narcissist is quiet and appears less confident.
An overt narcissist is career-oriented, charismatic, and boasts about their success. Covert narcissists are less focused on their careers and are more likely to feign vulnerability, playing the victim role.
Because overt narcissists present themselves as grandiose, they obtain their narcissistic supply more easily. For covert narcissists, narcissistic supply is scarcer, making them more manipulative than their overt counterparts.
Female Narcissist Traits
Male and female narcissists share many common traits, but their approach differs. Below, I describe several narcissistic traits and explain how narcissistic women differ from their male counterparts in this regard.
While most narcissistic women are covert narcissists, not every female narcissist is. There are both overt and covert narcissists among women. Thus, I am not discussing the difference between overt and covert narcissism but rather between male and female narcissism.
Competition
Narcissists pretend to be confident, but, in reality, they are insecure. The male narcissist acts confidently, while the female narcissist strives to outshine others. She always aims to be the best, most beautiful, or most successful woman in the room.
When another woman enters her sphere, perceived as a threat, two options arise. Either the newcomer vanishes, or she submits to the narcissist.
This dynamic also applies to the daughter(s) of the female narcissist, whom she sees as competitors, especially as they age.
Regarding a son’s wife or girlfriend, they, too, are viewed as competitors. A battle ensues for the son’s attention, placing significant strain on the relationship.
My narcissistic mother used to tell me that if I got a girlfriend, she would warn her about me. According to her, I was not independent, and everything would come down to her.
Now, in hindsight, I realize this wasn’t a ‘noble’ attempt to caution a future girlfriend about my perceived lack of independence. Instead, it seems like a preemptive action to eliminate potential competition.
It’s not particularly reassuring when your teenage boy is told by his mother that she’ll interfere if he brings a girlfriend home…
Image
Narcissists are excessively preoccupied with their image. While male narcissists focus almost exclusively on their own image, narcissistic women, on the other hand, are also concerned with the family’s image. To the outside world, the family should appear perfect.
My narcissistic mother once criticized me for not wanting to wear new clothes as a child. Indeed, I had difficulty with changes at the time, so I preferred my trusted clothes. Now, I understand why she insisted on me wearing new clothes…
They want to convey a perfect picture that is purely superficial and selfish, caring only about appearance. The female narcissist strives to be perceived as the perfect mother of a successful family. Ironically, the mental abuse damages the children to the extent that they often do not achieve much success.
In a family with a narcissistic parent, a child either takes on the role of the scapegoat or the favorite. The favorite is expected to succeed, while the scapegoat is destined to fail. This narrative enables the narcissistic parent to play the victim.
Narcissistic Women Are Jealous
This doesn’t just apply to female narcissists; all narcissists are extremely jealous. They also assume that others think the same way and are jealous of them in return. That thought alone is a source of supply for the narcissist.
Hypersensitive to Criticism
Narcissistic women, like all narcissists, exhibit hypersensitivity to criticism due to their belief in their own specialness. Criticizing them, even with constructive feedback or well-intentioned advice, attacks their false selves.
A female narcissist acts as a drama queen, exaggerating even the most trivial events. She revels in drama and conflict, so it’s crucial not to get entangled, as it fulfills their desires.
Narcissistic Women Are Adept at Playing People Against Each Other
This is perhaps the most significant difference between male and female narcissists: playing people against each other. Narcissistic women instigate conflicts among friends and relatives, consciously sharing information about others to create problems.
While male narcissists also engage in manipulating relationships, female narcissists excel in this art. This might be related to societal role patterns, as women are generally more inclined to discuss others (apologies, ladies) than men. Society more readily accepts such behavior among women.
Moreover, they don’t limit this manipulation to their peers. Narcissistic mothers ensure that their children are in constant conflict with each other.
By the way, children play a crucial role in providing narcissistic supply to female narcissists. Their dependent position makes them easy to control and influence.
In addition, children tend to remain loyal to their parents, making them a source of narcissistic supply for an extended period. This loyalty is why children of a narcissistic parent, like myself, often don’t sever ties until later in life.
NB: I was 47 when I myself broke off contact with my narcissistic mother.
Narcissistic Women Use Sexuality to Achieve Their Goals
Female narcissists, in particular, leverage their sexuality for manipulation. They often dress provocatively to attract the attention of men.
Additionally, narcissistic women are more prone to engaging in affairs with friends or relatives of their husbands. They actively seek new sources of narcissistic supply within their partner’s social circle.
In the article “Narcissistic Mother,” I previously shared about an uncle on my father’s side. My father later revealed that my mother was infatuated with him during their dating days, constantly depicting him as the ideal person.
As mentioned, this uncle frequently visited us alone when my mother had forced my father into an institution. Knowing what I do now, this is highly suspicious.
In essence, she utilized this uncle on multiple fronts – initially to undermine my dad and later as a new source of attention (or narcissistic supply).
The article ‘Narcissistic Mother’ details the story of this uncle under the heading ‘The Hero of My Narcissistic Mother.’
Manipulation through Punishment
Narcissists always expect to get their way, but their reactions differ when they don’t. Male narcissists are more prone to using verbal or even physical violence, whereas female narcissists tend to employ punishment tactics.
This punishment often involves withholding attention, employing what we commonly refer to as “the silent treatment.”
Narratives of Toxic Experiences
When a female narcissist goes on a date with a potential new victim, she quickly shares stories about her difficult past relationships or “bad exes.”
Where the male narcissist boasts about himself, the female narcissist tends to share sad stories. This means that caring men have an increased chance of falling into the web of a female narcissist.
I recognize this pattern all too well from my narcissistic mother. Anyone who has read the article ‘Narcissistic Mother’ knows that she completely destroyed my father.
However, later I discovered that she had portrayed him to her new partner as a villain, telling him she had a difficult life with my father. But anyone who knows my father knows that he wouldn’t hurt a fly.
So, if you hear numerous sad stories about bad exes on a first date with a woman… Be wary. She could be a female narcissist!
