Everyone is jealous sometimes. It’s a completely normal emotion. Nobody likes it when someone else tries to hit on your partner. But a narcissist’s jealousy is malicious. In order to make the distinction between ordinary jealousy and the morbid jealousy of a narcissist, I will focus on narcissistic jealousy in this article.
Normal jealousy and narcissistic jealousy
Jealousy is an emotion that everyone experiences at some point. I already gave an example of this in the introduction. Normal people can simply talk through these situations and the problem will be a thing of the past. Narcissistic jealousy, on the other hand, is extreme and impossible to talk out.
Begrudging others is characteristic of narcissistic personality disorder. This makes them maliciously jealous of anyone who has something they don’t own. This can concern material possessions, good character qualities, or attention.
A narcissist will claim a special position for themselves and as a result, soon feel disadvantaged. Essentially, the narcissist is an empty personality that is pretending to be grand.
This also makes them maliciously envious of the good qualities of normal people. But as with everything, a narcissist will never admit this about themselves, but turn it the other way around. It’s not they who are jealous, it’s always the other…
Manifestations of Narcissistic Jealousy
As mentioned, narcissistic jealousy is extreme and can lead to angry outbursts from a narcissist. Revenge actions may also follow. In the presence of others, such revenge will usually consist of a small personal shot. Often this is only noticed by the target itself.
When someone else is the center of attention, a narcissist can make a compliment and immediately invalidate it. For example: “What a nice car you have… I thought only cool people drove those”.
In relationships, attention from the opposite sex can often lead to narcissistic jealousy. Partners frequently make the mistake of thinking that the other must love them very much. In reality, it is about control and power.
Also, a narcissistic partner is often quick to accuse the other of adultery. This is an expression of narcissistic jealousy. Often it is they who cheat. But as we know, a narcissist projects their bad behavior onto others (See also the article “Narcissistic Behavior: Tactics of the Narcissist“).
My own experience with narcissistic jealousy
It is known that narcissistic parents are often jealous of their children. I’ve never experienced my narcissistic mother being jealous of me. However, my sister did. Our narcissistic mother tried to hit on some of her friends. She also managed to destroy her relationship with her partner.
What I have experienced myself is her jealousy towards others. For example, she broke off ties with various family members because she believed she was being taken advantage of by them. Her favorite way to break up was by writing an evil letter or through an angry phone call. With the latter, she would disconnect before the other could answer.
I also suspect that her vile actions towards me during her divorce stemmed from jealousy (See “Narcissistic Mother – The Divorce“). She couldn’t bear that I went to my father every day. In actuality, she wanted me to sever my relationship with him completely, which I threw at her during one of our last confrontations.
Narcissistic jealousy toward relatives
A sister of my father and her husband kept in touch with both – my father and my narcissistic mother – after the divorce. They said they didn’t want to take sides. Obviously, this situation was easily manipulated by my narcissistic mother.
When they once spent a little more time with daddy than with her, she got furious. They received a letter in which she pretended to be the victim and said she was deeply disappointed in their behavior and wished for no more contact with them.
When she met them a few years later while visiting another relative, they offered to give her a ride to the station. She refused because – as she told me later – she was afraid they would push her out of the car on the way…
The reality, of course, was that my aunt and uncle would try to talk it out with her on the way. She would then have to admit that her reaction was exaggerated and that she was acting out of narcissistic jealousy. And giving in is something a narcissist will never do.
Spying on relatives
When my sister contacted an aunt (a sister of our narcissistic mother) mom was furious. She broke off contact with her sister through an evil letter.
This aunt still had contact with other family members and this is where the narcissistic jealousy came into play again. When her brother’s wife had her birthday, my narcissistic mother started spying to see if her sister was also visiting.
When she saw her car parked there, she became very angry. In revenge, she called her sister-in-law, ostensibly to congratulate her. But after the congratulation she said they could drop dead and disconnected the phone before she could respond.
She told me this proudly at the time. She also said that her current boyfriend, the widower I mentioned in another article, thought it was a good move that she disconnected before they could say anything back. Although I don’t even like the family member involved, I didn’t think it was a good action at all. In my opinion, it was cowardly to cut off contact with someone in such a way.
Transferring jealousy to others
Also, my narcissistic mother has tried to transfer her narcissistic jealousy onto me. On Christmas 2014 I would go to my father on the first day of Christmas. But this time my sister wanted to see him on that day too. She asked if I could change my plans to Boxing Day. Because I had no other plans it was no problem for me, so we moved the appointment to Boxing Day.
But my narcissistic mother tried to stir me up against him. She told me that I would be playing second fiddle to my sister and I should have stuck with Christmas Day. I said that I can decide for myself what to make a problem of and what not. Not long after that, I broke off contact with her (See "Narcissistic Mother - Unmasking the narcissist").
I now know that this was an attempt to transfer her narcissistic jealousy to me.
Do you also have such experiences with narcissistic jealousy? Please let us know in the comments. Knowledge is power!
