Earlier, I focused on the tactics of the narcissist, including narcissistic gaslighting – a manipulation technique frequently employed by narcissists. In this article, I will delve into this tactic, providing examples from my personal experience. Additionally, I’ll share strategies to help you defend yourself against narcissistic gaslighting.
What is Narcissistic Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation aimed at sowing doubt in an individual or group, with the hope that they will question their own memory, perception, and common sense.
This can be achieved, for example, by outright denying reality or by contradicting oneself with deadly seriousness and without flinching. These tactics cause the victim to doubt their own perception.
Origin of the Term ‘Gaslighting’
The use of this term originated from the play ‘Gaslight’ and its subsequent film adaptations. In this story, the husband occasionally adjusts the gas lamp to a slightly lower position. The woman notices this, but the man vehemently denies it.
He insists that she seems a bit nearsighted lately. The wife begins to doubt to the point where she assumes that the light isn’t dimming, as her husband claims, but that her eyes are deteriorating, as her husband alludes.
The term ‘gaslighting’ is now used in scientific literature and political journalism. Since this article focuses on gaslighting by narcissists, we refer to it as narcissistic gaslighting.
Source: Wikipedia
Narcissistic Gaslighting
Let me start by saying that gaslighting is not solely practiced by narcissists. Other toxic individuals can also employ this manipulation technique. However, in this article, I focus on gaslighting practiced by narcissists.
The American psychoanalyst Robin Stern wrote the book ‘The Gaslight Effect‘ about the phenomenon of narcissistic gaslighting. In this book, she describes how narcissists use gaslighting.
Gaslighting can be applied subtly, such as by denying an appointment or misplacing things. However, it can also be less subtle, making the victim appear foolish or crazy. This is how victims of gaslighting are slowly driven insane.
Robin Stern also provides concrete solutions in this book on how to break free from a narcissist who uses gaslighting. It’s a valuable resource for anyone dealing with gaslighting and narcissism.
How to Recognize Narcissistic Gaslighting?
Below, I provide the characteristics by which you can recognize that you are a target of gaslighting:
- You always doubt yourself.
- You hide the abuse you undergo from the outside world.
- You have low self-confidence.
- You have trouble making decisions.
- You feel like you can’t do anything right.
The five signs of gaslighting coincide with the narcissist always leading you to believe that you are perceiving everything incorrectly. This makes you doubt yourself and hide the abuse. Consequently, you develop low self-confidence, making it difficult for you to make decisions for fear of doing everything wrong.
How My Narcissistic Mother Used Gaslighting
Influenced by my narcissistic mother from childhood, I wasn’t aware that she was gaslighting. I can’t remember most of the cases, but a few things stick in my mind where, as an adult, I now recognize the narcissistic gaslighting.
Lost Items
During my childhood, items would often go missing. I was sure I had put them in a specific place, but they were nowhere to be found. And it was always my mother who miraculously located them…
As a child, I thought she was exceptionally good at searching. Now, I’m quite certain that she took them away herself.
Foul Play
Another incident I recall is when she suddenly accused me of cheating during a parlor game. “Oh, that’s mean!” she exclaimed. According to her, I had secretly moved a pawn. Well, I’m a game fanatic, but I’m definitely not a cheater!
At the time, I thought there was a misunderstanding. By reconstructing the previous moves, I aimed to prove to her that I hadn’t moved the pawn. However, no matter how hard I tried to convince her of her mistake, she kept insisting that I was cheating.
Now I know this, too, was narcissistic gaslighting. She knew I was someone with a strong sense of justice and couldn’t stand being accused of something I didn’t do. She must have enjoyed my desperate attempts to make things right…
Appointment
Even at a later age, she still played these kinds of pranks. The next example occurred sometime between 2010 and 2015. At that time, she lived with her new partner (victim).
We had agreed that I would visit them. However, when I rang the bell at the agreed time, there was nobody at home. I returned home worried.
When I later called her on the phone, she flatly denied that we had an appointment. Looking back, I wonder what she told her partner at the time. Perhaps she told him I’m out of my mind.
How a toxic ‘friend’ gaslighted
A ‘friend,’ who was likely a narcissist, also engaged in gaslighting. I will share more about him in the article ‘Narcissistic friendship?‘, and for this example, I’ll refer to him as John.
Once, I imitated an old teacher who spoke with an Amsterdam accent. John found it quite amusing and encouraged me to make a prank call to an acquaintance using that accent.
Initially, I resisted the idea, but he persisted. Given that my will was already quite broken due to my toxic upbringing, I eventually gave in.
After my prank call, he took over and arranged a visit to him. So, a little later, we were in the home of that acquaintance. Another bully was visiting, and the mood soon turned against me.
At a certain moment, John theatrically asked the acquaintance what he thought of me. The acquaintance said he didn’t find that ‘prank call’ of mine very social. This was quite exaggerated, as I didn’t use vulgar language during the prank call.
I responded, telling them that John had made me do it. However, John denied this with a straight face! I was stunned by his acting talent. He played it so convincingly that no one believed me. Moreover, they didn’t want to anyway because I was already their target for bullying.
Incidentally, John had apparently learned something new that evening. Since then, he often shouted in company, ‘Let’s keep it a bit social, huh!’ Ironic how the person who always behaves highly antisocially himself calls on others to behave socially…
The consequences of narcissistic gaslighting
Narcissistic gaslighting leads to confusion in the target, causing them to doubt their own perception. Consequently, they become more dependent on the narcissist, who then assumes the role of the savior in distress.
Observing my father, who was married to a narcissistic woman for twenty years, I observed the lasting impact of narcissistic gaslighting as he showed high dependence on others and hesitated to make decisions.
Luckily, I don’t face this problem myself. I did allow myself to be influenced by my narcissistic mother in my decisions for a long time. However, now I make my own decisions and am no longer concerned with what she would think of them.
In survival mode
Through all the narcissistic gaslighting and other manipulations, I developed a form of self-protection since my early childhood. My survival tactic as a kid was to give in but know better for myself, even though this might make others doubt me.
Deep down, I know exactly how it is. This is shown in the following example.
The shawarma place
In the late ’80s or early ’90s, in my early twenties, I often went out on weekends. A regular end to a night out was eating a shawarma sandwich. On one such night, I ordered a shawarma sandwich from a shop, which I paid for immediately.
But when I had finished the sandwich, the man behind the counter asked me to pay again. “No, I already paid when you gave it to me,” I said. “Come on, pay!” he insisted in an aggressive tone.
I repeated again that I had already paid. “Who did you pay to?” he asked angrily, as if convinced I hadn’t paid yet.
It was this combination of questioning, and the aggressive intonation that put me in survival mode. Apparently, I seemed to be in doubt now, knowing that I had paid him.
“To you,” I stammered. Anyone observing this situation probably wouldn’t believe me, as the survival mode lacked the power of persuasion.
Fortunately, someone who had seen everything came to my aid. “He already paid,” he said firmly. Then the man behind the counter pulled back with an “Oh, oh”.
NB: Later I heard that this shawarma seller used this trick more often, probably to supplement his salary. His attempt to make customers pay twice had even led to a fight.
What can you do against narcissistic gaslighting?
When you recognize yourself in the aforementioned characteristics of gaslighting, it is important to take steps to address them. Below, I explain some actions you need to take to shake off the effects of narcissistic gaslighting.
Awareness
The first step is to be aware that someone is gaslighting you. This helps you understand that you are not the one who is crazy and that there is nothing wrong with your perception.
Get rid of your abuser
The second step in withdrawing from gaslighting, and narcissistic abuse in general, is cutting off contact with your abuser. Yes, I know, it’s easier said than done, especially when you have children together, making it much more challenging.
Furthermore, victims often excel at finding reasons not to cut ties, and I will delve into this topic in another article.
Search for help
The third step is seeking help. First and foremost, I recommend seeking professional help. Additionally, having a trustworthy friend with whom you can discuss your situation is crucial.
However, avoid seeking help from common acquaintances. They only know the narcissist as they present themselves to the outside world. Consequently, there is a good chance they may not believe you and inadvertently perpetuate the gaslighting.
Also read the article “Narcissistic Abuse: 7 Pitfalls for victims”
In addition to professional help, it is advisable to connect with fellow sufferers. This can be achieved, for example, through the forum on this website.
Work on Your Self-Confidence
The fourth step involves working on your self-esteem. Also read the article ‘Confidence after narcissistic abuse…‘
Set Clear Boundaries
The fifth step involves setting clear boundaries and monitoring them. If someone asks you to do something you’re not comfortable with, don’t hesitate to say no!
Guarding your boundaries is closely tied to your self-confidence and the belief that you have just as many rights as anyone else.
Toxic individuals may attempt to manipulate you into doing things you genuinely don’t want to do. Recognize this manipulation and stand your ground!
Keep Working on Yourself
It’s always crucial to continue your personal development, regardless of your age. This is especially vital when recovering from narcissistic abuse.
However, avoid the mistake of trying to change yourself for others. Strive to become the best version of yourself, but, above all, remain true to who you are.
That concludes this article on narcissistic gaslighting. Do you relate to any of the points mentioned, or do you have additional insights or comments? Share them in the comments section. Knowledge is power!
