In this blog post, I’m going to talk about narcissistic behavior and the tactics of narcissists. Narcissists enjoy controlling and inflicting suffering on others. They use a variety of vicious tactics to manipulate, confuse, and devalue the person they target. Moreover, they know how to use these tactics in such a way that they are seen as the victim to the outside world, while the real victim is seen as the perpetrator. I’ll take a closer look at some of the tactics of narcissists, with examples from my own experience.
Narcissistic Behavior: Gaslighting
Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of manipulation, aimed at making the target feel like he or she is crazy. Gaslighting is a common narcissistic tactic.
For example, the narcissist may hide an object and let you search for it for a long time. When despair is near, the narcissist will suddenly come up with the “lost object” and will say that it was in a place where you had just looked. This results in you doubting yourself.
I give an example from my own life in the article 'Narcissistic mother - Bullied at school'. When I was bullied at school, my narcissistic mother turned everything around and made me feel as if it was my fault.
Another example happened shortly before I broke off contact with her. We agreed that I would visit her and her new partner – in reality, a new victim - at 10 a.m. But at the appointed time found myself standing in front of a closed door. When I called her later that day, she claimed that we had arranged to meet at a later time, even though I was certain it was 10 o'clock.
Narcissistic Behavior: Mean-Sweet Cycles
This tactic of the narcissist is mainly used in relationships and aims to be able to abuse the victim for as long as possible. At the beginning of the relationship, they play the perfect partner. When they feel they have their target under control, they will show their true colors.
In the beginning, the mean cycles are still short and the phases of the cycles are long. But the longer the relationship lasts and the more they feel that they are in control of their partner, the mean cycles will occur more frequently. In addition, the level of cruelty will increase and these cycles will last longer.
The love cycle aims to prevent the partner from ending the relationship. With this method, they control the state of mind of their target. This gives them a sense of power, and they enjoy the pain they inflict.
Recognition of my father
I talked about this phenomenon with my father. He recognized this pattern of sweet and mean cycles. An example of this that I remember very well: It was in the period just before Dad would return home again after being driven into a mental hospital by his narcissistic wife.
From the summer on, dad came home on weekends. After a few months, he would come back to live with us again, at least that was the plan. But my narcissistic mother started behaving more and more unreasonably. At the slightest provocation, dishes flew through the house. Once she screamed at my father "I hate you!"
But in the evening - during the sweet cycle - she said she didn't mean she hated him personally, but the situation. Of course, she created that 'situation' herself. Obviously, the relief was short-lived, as the next day again the dishes flew through the room and she called him names again.
Narcissistic Behavior: Projecting
Another tactic used by the narcissist is projecting, blaming others for what they do themselves. For example, if a narcissist in a relationship accuses the partner of cheating, the narcissist is most likely cheating themself.
For example, my narcissistic mother brought this accusation to my father after she was put in a very suspicious position (See 'Narcissistic Mother - My Narcissistic Mother's Hero').
Another example of my narcissistic mother is that as a child she always called me selfish and said that I had a bad character. I know now that she is selfish and has a rotten character and that this said nothing about me but everything about her. But as a child, I believed what my mother told me and constantly wanted to prove that I am not selfish.
Narcissistic Behavior: Playing the victim
This is a very sophisticated form of narcissistic behavior that allows them to persist and hide their abuse from the outside world for years. There will always be people who fall for it and take the side of the perpetrator!
Narcissists will never take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, they know how to turn it around so that the victim appears to be the perpetrator and the perpetrator appears to be the victim.
It often happens that they have emotionally damaged their victim to such an extent that they erupt into anger. When the victim has such an outburst in front of others, the narcissist is pleased. The narcissist can now say "Now you see what kind of crazy person I'm dealing with". That while the narcissist itself is the deranged one. But the people around only see the victim's outburst of anger and will adopt the vision of the narcissist.
People fall for it
For me this kind of narcissistic behavior is very recognizable because my narcissistic mother was also very adept at this. When she'd thrown dishes, called dad names and even poured hot coffee on him once, she would always start crying afterwards. She then pretended it was Dad who had done something terrible to her.
She also managed to get people behind her in the period during and after the divorce. They thought Dad was the culprit and my narcissistic mother the victim. For that reason they wanted nothing more to do with him. Besides, they weren't brave enough to tell him that themselves...
Dad once told me that she had also put on such a show during an interview at the mental hospital. During that conversation, she walked away crying, after which one doctor in training followed her.
We don't know exactly what she told him, but even this doctor in training fell for it. When he came back a little later he said to dad "You know how to hurt her, don't you?". By the way, the other doctors saw her narcissistic behavior. They often said, "We have the wrong one here".
Even after my sister broke contact with her in 2006, she pretended to be the victim. She told me the most horrible things my sister would have done to her. At that time I had no knowledge of narcissistic personality disorder and fell for it too.
But years later I heard that things were very different. For example, what my narcissistic mother didn't tell you was what she had done to her grandchildren (See "Narcissistic Mother - Not the Only Victim").
People don't want to know...
And now that I have unmasked her as a narcissist and have broken contact with her, she will undoubtedly play the victim again. She will probably tell her current victim - a widower with whom she now lives - and his family what terrible children she has and wonder theatrically why she has earned such a family.
Narcissistic Behavior: Social isolation of the victim
Another narcissistic behavior is to isolate the victim and put them into social isolation. In a sophisticated way, they are pitted against their friends, acquaintances, and relatives. In the end, they will only be left with the narcissist who offers themself as a helping hand.
To give another example from my own experience: In the last few years of contact with my narcissistic mother, I saw how she was inflicting this method on her current victim. He had been volunteering for a long time at a retirement home where my mother later went on to do volunteer work too.
When she had a relationship with him, she started arguing with the administration. She also turned the other volunteers against them. As a result, my mother and her new partner quit volunteering…
Other forms of narcissistic manipulation
In addition to all the narcissist's tactics already mentioned, they have many more tricks to manipulate, humiliate and make their target insecure.
In a budding relationship with a narcissist, they manipulate their target by playing the perfect partner. Hobbies are taken over with the greatest of ease. This will make the other think he has found a true 'soul mate'. When the narcissist has you under their power, the actual abuse begins.
Another tactic of the narcissist is to constantly criticize the target. This will make them feel insecure and - if this goes on long enough - they will get the feeling that it is their own fault.
Also, a narcissist can act suddenly very emotional. I experienced a good example of this with my narcissistic mother. During the divorce, she did everything she could to mentally destroy my father. But suddenly she got very emotional with me and said "What do you think it's like to be married to someone for 20 years and now have hate and envy?".
That hatred and envy emanated from herself. But as a 16-year-old child, I fell for this. I thought all those wicked tricks of hers were like armor and she'd shown her true feelings now. Now I know it was exactly the other way around.
That's it for the subject of narcissistic behavior for now. Do you have additions or comments or do you just want to share your experience? Then leave a comment below. Knowledge is power!
