The story of Mary and Joe continues sometime until Joe makes a false statement against Mary. In previous blogs, you could read what went before. See the articles about ‘domestic violence‘, the ‘narcissistic stalker‘ and ‘computer trespass by a narcissistic ex‘.
False statement
Mary was offered a job in the San Blas Islands near Panama 2.5 years after the break-up with Joe. There she became an education and communication officer at a conservation organization. She was very excited about the job. It had been a dream of hers for years, but she never thought it would ever be a reality.
She wrote a blog about the steps she needed to get to Panama and was a guest on a radio program to talk about her future Panamanian conservation work. It isn’t easy to live there. The islands are quite primitive and there is limited traffic to them. She also takes some Spanish lessons. She is extensively preparing when suddenly, a report against her falls in the mailbox.
Joe has come up with a new trick to bother her. He has reported that she still owes him money. An absurd amount ($ 84,000) for lost income because he was unable to work during the time he had to defend himself against her false allegations and the costs for a trip to Berlin. She was stunned and secretly had to laugh a little. What a petty hassle.
The annoying thing, however, is that if a report is filed against you and the police or judge summons you, you’re not allowed to travel abroad. Certainly not on a long-term work visa.
Stalking
Mary, therefore, contacted a lawyer who specializes in stalking. This lawyer reassured her: “I will write him a letter and indicate to the Public Prosecution Service that the ‘gentleman’ has been harassing you for some time.”
This letter did not go down well with Joe. He accused Mary of false reporting and many other things. For example, she was out to marry him for his money. He had almost bought her an apartment in the building where he lived because she wanted it so badly. She had slandered him and other nonsensical accusations which could be easily refuted. In typical fashion, he was also derogatory to the lawyer. Male stalkers often have a hard time with strong women.
Meanwhile, Mary moved to a small apartment in another town. She planned to leave her things there until she returned from the San Blas Islands. And yes, at one point Joe showed up at the door. She just had a visit from an editor of a magazine she wrote for. He looked surprised at what was happening. Mary became despondent. Would he ever leave her alone? What kind of a lunatic is this?
Restraining order
She again went to the police – in her new hometown – to get a restraining order, because she didn’t want to be bothered by Joe. That turned out to be nothing because nothing was done with her report. She wondered if the previous lawsuit she lost had something to do with it.
Another certified letter followed, but she recognized the handwriting and returned the letter unopened to the postman. Of course, another e-mail soon appeared, but she wisely did not read it and deleted it from her inbox.
Mary left for the San Blas Islands and was glad she could live in peace. She used the time and space to process everything that had happened. That is the advantage of living and working far from the mainland.
She put a few things together and after a while, she made a list of how to recognize an emotional blackmailer. She just wrote it out.
Recognizing emotional blackmail
Be wary:
- If someone keeps putting you on a pedestal: “I want nothing more than to make you happy”, “you mean the world to me”, or “only a blind person does not fall for your sweet appearance” to get his way.
- If someone tries to change your life and proposes it as if it will benefit you: “I’ll buy you an apartment nearby”, “I’ll offer you marriage”, or “I’ll get rid of all those mortgage men”.
- If someone insults your family or friends and in doing so isolates you from your environment “as if those friends of yours represent something”, “why does your daughter have so little ambition because she sees that it is not profitable for her mother?”, “what do you see? in that Frieda?”
- If someone despises your education and your work “sociology, not exactly a study that you immediately find a job with”, “your resume is not impressive at all”, “did you want to study before you became a secretary?”.
- If someone declares you ill “sweet borderline”, “separation anxiety”.
- If someone reproach you of not accepting their unkind behavior “if you want to feel hurt forever by my texting, that’s on you”.
- If someone appeals to others to show that your behavior is invalid “my therapist says that if you love each other, these things are not a hindrance and she is right.”
- If he is invariably late and makes you wait and does not tolerate your tardiness “I always have to wait for you too”.
- If he checks your hallways and suggests that you’ve slept with every male friend or boss “what was your relationship with Roel?”, “who is that Alex?”.
- If someone gets angry when you have pleasant conversations with his or her colleagues: “what have you discussed with that Marianne?”, “that man cannot be trusted, you should not talk to him anymore”.
- If he leaves you to your own devices in company, or even (indirectly) insults you “I don’t see her doing that (pointing at you) yet”, “Look, that’s how you do it!”.
False statements
You can only build a solid relationship with someone who appreciates you and who you trust completely. If you don’t feel that way, stop immediately, because you don’t want to end up in cycle of reporting and false reporting. You don’t want to go to the police or the judge.
Breaking up with toxic people
Mary realized that she had also run into a narcissistic female executive at work. This woman also tried blackmailing and firing her employees for her own devices. This woman was always looking for a new victim to exercise her power over.
This went very far, for example through false statements in a performance report. This woman also incited others to bring down her employees (including Mary). And she managed to manipulate others very cleverly, by praising other employees excessively. That way, she easily got supporters.
Mary considered her circle of friends and discovered that there were also people with narcissistic traits among them. To her horror, they were also in her family circle. She broke up with her friends who showed these traits. She also distanced herself from the family member by protecting herself (not too much contact and especially not in communication).
She was happy that she had come to this realization. But she was also sad. Sad because she didn’t know how to rebuild the trust that allows you to welcome friends and acquaintances into your life. How do you rebuild a relationship? How do you balance protecting yourself and embracing your friends and family?
Do you have similar experiences, for example of a false report against you and do you know an answer to Mary’s questions? Let us know, because together we know more and we can learn a lot from each other.
