This article about domestic violence is the first part of a series of four. It chronicles a relationship with a narcissistic stalker. Written by guest blogger Jacintha can Beveren, the story is based on true events.
Jacintha van Beveren is an educational sociologist and photographer. She works as a self-employed person in education and communication in the broadest sense. She writes blogs on various topics and knows from experience what it is like to have a narcissistic partner. You may know Jacintha also from our YouTube Channel ‘Unmasking Narcissism TV‘, where she does voiceovers.
Domestic violence? That doesn’t happen to me!
Mary had been divorced for several years when she met Joe through a personal ad. A friend urged her to put an advertisement in a newspaper: “You should not stay alone”. She placed an advertisement and Joe responded with a sweet note. He lived nearby and they arranged to meet. He was highly intelligent and an engaging conversationalist.
After a few dates, they noticed that there was an excellent connection. They had a nice lat relationship. After a while Mary noticed that Joe wanted to determine many things. When they saw each other and what they did. She felt unheard in what she wanted. Even small things, whether the television was on or not.
If he didn’t get his way, he would be difficult and obnoxious in a very annoying way. At first, Mary adapted because she wanted to keep things comfortable. And it often was, but there were also a lot of annoying moments. Over time, it became an on-off relationship.
On-off relationship
For example, one night after a heated argument, she walked to the train station to go home. He thought she would come back because it was now 2 a.m., but the night trains stopped in both towns and she lived within walking distance of the station. She took the train and came home.
Of course her phone rang, but she stopped answering it. Finally she recognized the pattern. Arguing, after which she resigned and then mountains of apologies and reparations which, however, were of shorter and shorter duration. Sometimes she heard nothing for months and then it started all over again. She fell for it for seven years.
After seven years of muddling through, she decided to end the on-off relationship for good. She had taken a sabbatical from work to fulfill her old dream of becoming a photographer. She went to a photography school, mainly to become more technically skilled.
Now she also had time to think about her life and she wanted to carry on without Joe. His domineering and annoying behavior started to bother her more and more. She wanted to be free again and not wait until there was room for her. She broke up.
Cuba
She dreamed of traveling a lot during that sabbatical year. It started with a trip to Cuba, where she wanted to spend three weeks traveling around the new ‘casas particulares’ (a Cuban homestay) and taking Spanish language lessons. Cuba was fantastic, and the people were very nice, but unfortunately, she received a lot of emails from Joe every day. Mary threw them away unread and blocked his email address, but a new email address was quickly created.
It didn’t stop. That’s why she decided not to read any more emails during that Cuba trip. Joe was slippery. He had asked the organization of the language classes for the telephone number of her host family using a fictional emergency as an excuse. She was picked up from the beach 20 km away by her host because there was an urgent phone call and she had to call back immediately.
Of course, she recognized the number. What a cowardly act to bother so many people just to get your way: make her angry and play the laughing third himself. It is incomprehensible, but this is what happens with narcissists.
Letters
When she returned home from Cuba, there was a letter in her mailbox, and she received countless text messages. They illustrate so well how a narcissist works I must share a few passages with you.
“Now I know that you are the fulfillment of my dream. You now have many wrinkles more and many hairs less than when I met you, but I still think you are – mentally and physically – a very beautiful woman, and you always will be.
I know that all these years I haven’t given you the security (and little commitment) you were looking for, but I’ve been trying with all my strength lately to rectify that omission. It makes no difference to the result: you fell short and felt unhappy all the time, even after I did give you attention and security. I invite you to dinners and outings because I enjoy being with you. The words of thanks are unfortunately scarce (2x).
What is it that you are missing in our relationship and why is it not made up for by the good that is there? Why are you breaking it up now, when things are going so much better than before? What is your consideration? Why do you think you’re not going to like it? What makes you think you’ll meet someone better than what you envisioned at the beginning of our relationship and envisioned now?
Don’t let a little bounce in the uptrend put you off, dear. Give our relationship more instead of less time to grow. Of course, first of all, we should live and enjoy life together, but the fact that we can now talk about our problems is also an “achievement”, isn’t it?
I want you to feel good at my place too; if that means that things here have to be renovated according to your earlier plans (different colors; more light; your own corner), then it will happen. I would also like to buy you an apartment in this building (2 rooms plus a large terrace) or across the street (3 rooms).
Then we can eat together every day, cozy, casual, and relaxed in the city, without whining or combat, entirely in accordance with your wishes. I’m happy when I see you happy when I awaken your smile. You mean the world to me. What you want, you get. With love. Because you make me happy. These are not empty words.
Give our relationship time; give me time to change – what I want.
Love,
your Joe.”
Mary didn’t respond to all those nice words and she didn’t answer the phone. The next day she promptly received the following text message: living together doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
Followed by this email: “You never gave me anything that showed genuine love. You could also rarely give yourself to me, unless you have forcibly suppressed your orgasms. How come, despite being so terribly ambitious, you have achieved so little. I mean, dear, with all due respect, and you know I respect you immensely and love you dearly, your resume isn’t exactly impressive.
But, again, don’t get me wrong, that’s why I love you no less. Did you already have that ambition before you became a secretary, or did it arise just then? Or did the drive to study only come into view after your divorce, when you had to take care of yourself? But why did you go to study sociology? Not exactly a study where you immediately find a job.”
Also read the article: Relationship with a narcissist >>
Domestic violence
As a senior education advisor, she was once professionally involved in the domestic violence platform, which she saw at the time as physical abuse. In retrospect, she finds this very stupid. There is also another form of domestic violence that she was not aware of. In Joe’s case, it was manipulating, dominating, stalking and thus humiliating her, domestic psychological violence.
She never expected domestic violence could also happen to her, with her good college education, her work as a senior education consultant and her healthy choice of men. Right? But no, that wasn’t right. To her astonishment, she reluctantly had to admit that Joe, a successful and well-to-do lawyer, is exactly the prototype of a bad man, a narcissist and a stalker who practiced domestic psychological violence.
During the relationship with Joe, she could already see the signs, but she closed her eyes to them. How the manipulation and stalking of Mary continued, I will describe in subsequent blog posts.
Maybe you also have this kind of experience? Write them down, and above all share them with us so that we can learn from each other.
