Some time ago, I received a question about dating a narcissist and identifying them on the first date. It would be helpful if pathological narcissists were easily recognizable, but unfortunately, they are not.
Dating a Narcissist
I explained that it’s challenging as narcissists often present their best selves on the first date. I then highlighted certain habits to signal potential narcissism.
In this article, I’ll delve into this topic, aiming to help you recognize narcissistic traits early on without hastily labeling everyone as a narcissist.
Dating a Narcissist: Identifying the Overt Narcissist
Here, I outline characteristics to identify a narcissist.
Boasting Behavior
Overt narcissists often kick off by boasting about their accomplishments. For instance, at my previous workplace, a new employee was introduced.
This newcomer incessantly shared his achievements from his prior job, painting himself as a savior for his former company. If you took his word, he practically rescued the entire business. You might question why they let such a valuable employee switch to a competitor 😉
Though unaware of Narcissistic Personality Disorder at the time, something about him unsettled me.
His overt narcissistic traits became evident soon after. When enjoying break time together, if he wasn't the center of attention, his frustration was palpable.
Every attempt to dominate the conversation revealed his growing frustration when he couldn't seize control.
Diminishing Others
Whenever a colleague erred, he reveled in it. His typical response: "To err is human, but it's the fools who make the most mistakes."
When he made a mistake himself, and I echoed his own words back to him, he didn't take it well; he responded indignantly.
It wasn't until years later, when I read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (see also the article: Narcissistic mother), that it finally clicked for this colleague.
Dating a Narcissist: Beware of These Behaviors!
In the brief anecdote I shared earlier, several behaviors stood out as signs of an overt narcissist:
- Bragging and exaggerating personal achievements.
- Belittling others' performance and finding pleasure in their mistakes.
- Disliking when others reciprocate what they do.
- Becoming uncomfortable when not the center of attention.
This colleague likely believed he was quite popular, but his coworkers secretly laughed at him.
Once, he took a week off for sailing. A colleague jokingly predicted we'd hear epic tales of how he saved the entire fleet, and another added that we'd be subjected to it for at least a week.
Dating a Narcissist: Identifying the Covert Narcissist
The natural follow-up question is: How do you identify a covert narcissist while dating?
Recognizing a covert narcissist is even more challenging. When you're dating a covert narcissist, the chances of discovery become even slimmer.
Unlike overt narcissists, covert ones don't brag but still crave attention. Their approach is much subtler than that of their overt counterparts.
They often portray themselves as caring individuals, a facade that doesn't align with their true nature. Narcissists, in reality, are indifferent to the well-being of others.
They adeptly pit people against each other, making subtle hurtful comments that go unnoticed by others. When the victim reacts, everyone is taken aback by what they perceive as an exaggerated response.
When dating a covert narcissist, they often share tales of victimhood, portraying themselves as mistreated by their previous partner or children.
Another trait of a covert narcissist is their manufactured personality. They feign emotions because they lack genuine ones. However, anger and pride are emotions they possess, maybe one or two more.
Humor is absent in them. While some may laugh at appropriate moments, it's forced. They lack the ability to comprehend jokes but mimic others' reactions.
A narcissist finds joy in others' suffering, especially when caused by them.
In my childhood, I observed my narcissistic mother's lack of laughter. Unlike my humor-inclined father, from whom I inherited this trait. I would inquire why she never smiled, receiving no answer. Now, I understand why.
After Dating a Narcissist: Recognizing a Narcissist in a Relationship
Dating a narcissist might lead to a relationship with one if you overlooked red flags. Now, I'll discuss recognizing signs of a toxic relationship.
As mentioned earlier, identifying a narcissist is challenging. Otherwise, fewer people would end up in relationships with them. Unfortunately, widespread ignorance about malignant narcissism and its severe consequences contributes to this.
If you're already in a relationship with a potential narcissist, several characteristics should raise concerns. Here are a few.
Dual Personality
Narcissists exhibit a dual personality. In a group, they differ from their behavior one-on-one with their victim. If someone mistreats you at home but appears friendly in public, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
Unsafe Relationship
A relationship with a narcissist never feels secure. For instance, they might employ the silent treatment, completely ignoring you. They may also flirt with others in your presence, not necessarily cheating but aiming to make you feel insecure. This insecurity fuels their confidence, though they lack it genuinely.
It's Always Your Fault...
A narcissist never accepts responsibility for a mistake. They skillfully manipulate situations to shift blame onto the victim, making them feel they overreacted.
From the narcissist's standpoint, they are never at fault; it's always the other person's mistake. They express this conviction so convincingly that the victim begins to doubt their own perception.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists lack empathy, but covert narcissists excel at faking it. A telling situation to identify a narcissist is as follows:
When alone, the suspected narcissist makes a hurtful remark. If you express being hurt, a normal person would apologize. Not a narcissist, unless it serves manipulation. Instead of an apology, expect another hurtful comment.
No Genuine Compliments
A narcissist never offers genuine compliments. Compliments are reserved for manipulation, especially in the initial "love bombing" phase of a relationship. Once the victim is ensnared, the compliments vanish.
This concludes the article on dating a narcissist and the potential ensuing relationship. Recognize anything or have additional insights? Share in the comments. Knowledge is power!
