Covert narcissism is very hard to uncover. Someone in a relationship with a covert narcissist may wonder for years what is going on, often only finding out when they are completely burned out. In this article, I will discuss covert narcissist traits and compare them to overt narcissist signs.
Covert Narcissism in the Psychological Literature
Psychological literature recognizes two main forms of narcissism: overt narcissism and covert narcissism. While there are several variants within these categories, let’s focus on the primary group of covert narcissists.
The term “covert narcissist” might be a bit confusing. One could assume it refers to a narcissist in the most well-known variant who simply hides it. However, according to clinical psychologist Abdul Saad, it’s not that the person deliberately hides their narcissism in an instrumental way. Instead, it’s more about an individual with a specific personality structure that makes it challenging to express narcissism openly.
Covert Narcissism in Women and Men
While most female narcissists tend to exhibit covert narcissistic traits, this is largely influenced by different role patterns. However, it’s important to note that covert narcissism can manifest in both women and men.
This article does not specifically focus on covert narcissistic women or men; rather, it explores covert narcissism in a general context. For more information on female narcissists, you can refer to a separate article I’ve written.
Click here to read the article on female narcissists >>
Covert Narcissism: A Hidden Danger
When we think of narcissists, a common image is that of an attention-seeking, larger-than-life personality. However, the concept of covert narcissism remains relatively unknown. Consequently, individuals with covert narcissistic traits are often perceived as challenging personalities, with many unaware of the true danger they pose.
Understanding covert narcissist traits is no straightforward task; it requires delving into the intricate dynamics of this personality type.
In contrast to overt narcissism, where grandiosity takes center stage, covert narcissists harbor both grandiose fantasies and a deep sense of inferiority. This duality makes them exceptionally sensitive to criticism, surpassing even the overt narcissist in this regard.
For the covert narcissist, any comment, even well-intended advice, is perceived as a personal attack and affront. They lack the tolerance for any form of criticism, constructive or otherwise.
In the realm of healthy self-esteem, criticism is seen as distinct from outright rejection, but for the covert narcissist, it constitutes a profound humiliation.
Drawing from personal experience, I observed my narcissistic mother react vehemently whenever confronted, as though she had been subjected to the gravest injustice imaginable.
The delusions of grandeur within a covert narcissist are considerably more nuanced compared to those of an overt narcissist. This subtlety adds to the challenge of identifying them as narcissists, making them less likely to be recognized.
Unveiling a Covert Narcissist Mother
In early 2015, when the realization dawned upon me that my mother might be a narcissist, it took me by surprise. Up until that point, my perception of a narcissist mirrored the stereotypical braggart. Yet, my mother’s behavior aligned with everything I had read about narcissism.
It wasn’t until I delved deeper into narcissism literature and discovered the concept of covert narcissism that all the puzzle pieces seamlessly fell into place.
How the Covert Narcissist Views Themselves
The delusions of grandeur in covert narcissists are rooted in negativity. This differs from overt narcissists, whose delusions are founded on an excessively positive self-image.
In contrast, the self-image of covert narcissists is centered around thoughts like, “If only others could see how brilliant I am” or “If only I had the chance to…”.
Similar to overt narcissism, the focus is on being perceived as special. However, covert narcissism introduces an element of the underdog – a feeling of not being recognized and, consequently, unfulfilled.
This implies that covert narcissists are not “winners” in the societal sense. Unlike overt narcissists, they cannot ascend the hierarchy as swiftly.
Yet, the covert narcissist desires to project the image of a “winner”. Consequently, there exists a disparity between their idealized false selves and their actual social standing.
To bridge this gap, they obsessively concentrate on perceived obstacles to their greatness, holding others accountable and harboring significant resentment towards them.
Covert Narcissism and Upward Social Comparison
Another significant distinction is that the overt narcissist engages in so-called “downward social comparisons.” They perceive themselves as superior to others and, consequently, look down on them.
In contrast, covert narcissism involves “upward social comparisons.” Covert narcissists are acutely aware that they are not at the top of the social hierarchy, provoking feelings of envy and resentment towards those above them.
Therefore, even more than overt narcissists, covert narcissists experience jealousy. Witnessing someone else’s success is particularly challenging for them, as it becomes difficult to bear the idea that others are more successful.
How the Covert Narcissist Views Others
Since a covert narcissist cannot assume the “winner role” like the overt narcissist, they adopt the “victim role.” They seek attention and sympathy by portraying themselves as pathetic.
In the article ‘Narcissistic Mother,’ I mentioned writing a letter to my mother. Years later, I discovered that my narcissistic mother was sharing that letter with others. This was intended to prove how “bad” I am, fitting perfectly into the narrative of playing the victim role.
The fact that I wrote the letter out of desperation because she had refused to discuss the mental abuse during my childhood for decades doesn’t register with her at all. On the contrary, in her perception, I am the bogeyman who has attacked her false self.
When you encounter a covert narcissist for the first time, they will quickly share sad stories. For instance, a female narcissist in a romantic setting might soon begin discussing her negative experiences with ex-boyfriends.
By presenting themselves as victims, they aim to evoke compassion, particularly from individuals with high levels of empathy. This demographic is more susceptible to forming connections with a narcissistic partner.
See also the article: Why do I attract narcissists?
What makes covert narcissism so dangerous is its challenging detectability. The covert narcissist, especially the female narcissist, presents themselves as gentle and caring.
The covert narcissist also appears to be highly attuned to social norms. This is partly due to their extreme sensitivity to criticism. Consequently, the covert narcissist is less likely to exhibit deviant behavior or take a non-conformist stance.
This is in stark contrast to the overt narcissist, who disregards social norms entirely.
As I reflect on social norms, a particular incident on a train comes to mind. While I don’t want to categorize the person as an overt narcissist, their behavior was peculiar, to say the least.
Once, while on a train, a fellow passenger entered and sat down. He placed his legs on the seat in front of him, right next to someone else. Not exactly socially acceptable behavior, is it? Yet, he acted as if it were the most ordinary thing in the world.
He was exceptionally cheerful and communicative, in a way that prevented anyone from addressing the issue.
Conformity
Conformity
Hence, the covert narcissist presents themselves as someone who adheres to social norms, but only when others are present. When alone with their victims, they reveal their aggressive tendencies.
During one of my last visits to my narcissistic mother, a similar incident occurred. Just before that, a confrontation had unfolded, and I had sent her an email. On that particular day, she was going to cut my hair, and while she was doing so, I inquired if she had read the email.
She denied having read it, and when I persisted, she responded aggressively, saying, “Stop talking about it!” in an intimidating tone. I chose to drop the subject for the moment.
Later, when we were back in the living room with her boyfriend, she resumed a friendly demeanor, as if nothing had happened.
Two faces
In the public domain, covert narcissism is difficult to recognize because the covert narcissist behaves socially. However, when unobserved, they can be cruel and mean.
Covert narcissists employ two distinct methods to manipulate their victims.
The first method involves subtle manipulation. They present themselves as gentle, caring, and harmless, allowing them to obtain what they want without making the other person feel threatened.
The second method is more overtly aggressive. They utilize this approach when alone with their victim, revealing their aggression. Anyone who, in their eyes, has wronged them (i.e., not confirmed their false self) is subjected to a typically psychological punishment.
False compliments
A specialty of the covert narcissist is giving insincere compliments.
For instance, a female narcissist might say to a friend, “You have a beautiful dress on.” The friend perceives it as a compliment and expresses gratitude. However, she then adds, “Only it doesn’t suit you.”
The manipulation can also be much more subtle. The intonation allows them to convey a message very differently than the literal words spoken.
Covert narcissists may also make comments on a subject that is sensitive to the person they are targeting. Onlookers are unaware that this is hurtful to the individual and may not pay attention to it. However, if the target reacts angrily, in the eyes of the bystanders, it appears as if the target is the one causing a fuss.
No sense of humor
Narcissists, in general, have little sense of humor, and this is particularly true for covert narcissists. Sometimes, they may fake a “sense of humor” and produce a forced laugh.
However, the only thing a narcissist can genuinely laugh about is the suffering of others, especially when they have caused it themselves.
Engaging in gossip
Covert narcissists enjoy gossiping about others. While they may appear attentive and friendly when listening to their “friends,” as soon as these individuals leave the room, the covert narcissist shares their secrets with others.
This behavior serves as a warning (hidden message) to those with whom this information is shared: Be cautious not to disclose anything about me, or I will expose your secrets as well.
Where do you encounter covert narcissism?
While it is well known that overt narcissists often hold high positions in business and politics, covert narcissists tend to occupy lower positions.
However, many covert narcissists still manage to infiltrate power structures. They are frequently found in middle management, holding positions that grant them some power over others.
Bureaucracy
Bureaucratic positions are also favored by covert narcissists, as they can wield power, mete out punishments, and make people’s lives difficult.
Reflecting on this, I recall my time working for a local government foundation (1997 – 1998). There was a counselor who wasn’t particularly liked, and female colleagues often left his office in tears. My understanding of the disdain grew as I had more interactions with him.
In 1998, a new “colleague” arrived, whom I would now describe as a full-blown psychopath based on today’s knowledge. He targeted me, and his relentless bullying, which he attributed entirely to me, eventually led to me being at home, utterly exhausted.
During this period, the counselor intensified his interference with me, treating me as someone lazy and ultimately coercing me to join the so-called “Snowball Project.”
The “Snowball Project” involved camping in Norway with a group that included ex-junkies, alcoholics, and other individuals with various issues. Some members of the group targeted me, and it escalated to the point where one person threatened me with a knife.
Certainly, I cannot definitively diagnose this counselor as a covert narcissist. However, his sadistic behavior in the position of power he held raises thought-provoking questions.
Internet trolls
Finally, another form of social abuse…
We’ve all had to deal with them at some point – those annoying people on the internet who take pleasure in randomly insulting unknown individuals. We call them internet trolls. Interestingly, this behavior aligns closely with covert narcissism.
Of course, based on internet messages alone, I am not allowed to label anyone as a covert narcissist. However, the similarities in behavior are striking.
In the anonymity of the internet, these individuals feel emboldened to unleash their hatred and aggression without consequences, arbitrarily offending people. This makes the internet a breeding ground for covert narcissists!
That concludes my article on covert narcissism. Do you have any additions or comments? Share them in a comment. Knowledge is power!
