Anyone who has ever dealt with narcissism knows that conversing with a narcissist can be extremely frustrating. No matter how well-prepared you are, it often feels like the narcissist always comes out on top…
Conversing with a Narcissist
Typically, after conversing with a narcissist, you’re left with the impression that they’ve won the exchange. This sensation largely stems from the narcissist’s demeanor of having triumphed, a belief they also convince themselves of.
However, in truth, a narcissist doesn’t actually win. Their selfish actions, manipulations, and psychological abuse eventually drive most people away.
Yet, this understanding offers little comfort while you’re in the midst of a conversation with a narcissist.
Are narcissists smart?
Narcissists are highly skilled at manipulation and evoking emotions, which can make them seem intelligent during conversations. But is this really true?
Narcissists vary greatly in terms of appearance, behavior, and indeed, intelligence levels. However, a defining characteristic of narcissists is their complete lack of self-awareness, which hardly aligns with traditional markers of intelligence.
Overt narcissists, in particular, may act as though they possess great intelligence. Yet, to someone genuinely intelligent, these narcissists often reveal their inadequacies through the superficial quality of their discussions.
Tips for Conversing with a Narcissist
Narcissists often display predictable behavior. To counteract a narcissist effectively, I offer several tips that aim to leave the narcissist, rather than you, feeling bewildered and frustrated.
Surprisingly, this is more attainable than it might seem. However, it’s crucial to be cautious of the primary trap: a narcissist’s aim to elicit an emotional response from you, skillfully targeting vulnerabilities.
Tip: Minimize Communication with a Narcissist
In interactions with a narcissist, stick strictly to necessary topics. Avoid offering any additional information or asking questions that could give them leverage to steer the conversation.
Should they inquire about your personal life, either avoid answering or provide minimal details. Information shared with a narcissist can and will be used against you later.
Tip: Gain an Understanding of Narcissism
This doesn’t mean empathizing with the narcissist, but rather understanding their mindset as a strategic advantage. Understanding the narcissistic mindset is crucial for effectively handling interactions with them.
Narcissistic Mindset: Black and White Perception
Narcissists lack the ability to perceive nuances, seeing the world in stark black and white. This means they cannot harbor mixed feelings toward someone; if they’re upset with you, you’re entirely in the wrong in their view, threatening their fragile self-image.
Narcissistic Mindset: Lack of Empathy
Narcissists lack empathy, showing no concern for the feelings and needs of others. This disregard makes them dangerously relentless – unlike most people who would cease harmful actions upon realizing the hurt they cause, narcissists press on.
Seeking revenge against a narcissist often leads to a harmful cycle of retaliation.
Tip: Maintain Distance from the Narcissist and Their Enablers
Narcissists frequently have supporters who believe and defend them, who the narcissist views as tools but who see themselves as friends of the narcissist. We call them Flying Monkeys.
Exercise caution around these individuals. Some may appear friendly but then relay information back to the narcissist. It’s wise to distance yourself from the narcissist and their circle entirely.
In the family I grew up in, we employed a cleaning lady who was quite theatrical and not particularly smart.
My narcissistic mother appeared to be quite taken with her. However, in reality, she was what my mother considered a “useful idiot.”
This woman was completely oblivious to my mother’s wrongdoing, despite having witnessed her aggressive behavior on multiple occasions. She was present when my narcissistic mother threw coffee in my father’s face.
Despite everything she has witnessed, this “useful idiot” has remained loyal to my mother and continues to do so…
When a narcissist turns people important to you against you, distancing yourself from the situation, even temporarily, is often the wisest course of action. There’s a possibility they might come to regret their actions and reach out to you later.
My advice is to consider re-engaging with them only after you’ve recovered and successfully distanced yourself from the narcissist.
Tip: Deny the Narcissist Their Desired Reaction
A strategic approach to outmaneuver a narcissist involves not giving them what they crave.
Narcissists thrive on what is known as narcissistic supply. If you respond to them by either demeaning yourself or aggressively confronting them, you inadvertently feed into their needs. Conversely, becoming confrontational makes you a prime target for their wrath.
The balance lies in neither flattering them nor reacting emotionally. If they make a derogatory remark, appear unaffected and act as if you didn’t hear it.
They often aim to elicit an emotional reaction with their comments, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative. Avoid giving them the emotional response they seek!
Avoid Being Defensive
Getting defensive only drags you into a cycle of arguments, which is precisely what the narcissist desires.
Instead, you might respond with, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” before swiftly changing the topic. Failing to switch topics leaves room for the narcissist to further exploit the conversation to provoke an emotional reaction from you.
For instance, if a narcissist criticizes your behavior, your instinct might be to retort with “Look who’s talking,” given their own peculiar behavior. However, such a response would play right into their hands, sparking the conflict they aim for.
A concise yet effective way to counter a narcissist’s verbal onslaught is by asking, “So what?”
When a narcissist targets you, their aim is to elicit an emotional reaction. By showing that their comments don’t impact you, you effectively disarm them.
It’s crucial to remember that a narcissist’s perspective is distorted. Their opinions of us do not define our true selves. Thus, it’s not enough to merely act unaffected by their views; genuinely disregarding them is key.
However, a narcissist won’t easily back down. They might challenge you, questioning why their opinions don’t bother you, as if to suggest they should.
In such instances, flipping the question on them with “Why does it matter to you?” can be powerful.
Beware, especially with female narcissists who often masquerade as empathetic, claiming their critiques stem from concern. Engaging with this pretense only feeds into their narrative.
Tip: Make them justify their negative remarks publicly
This strategy is more daring and could provoke a narcissistic rage, which will be discussed more thoroughly later.
Covert narcissists, in particular, tend to make derogatory remarks subtly, directing them so only the intended target perceives the insult. Their passive-aggressive or vague comments might go unnoticed by others, aiming to incite an emotional response over something seemingly insignificant to onlookers. If the target responds with anger or sadness, the narcissist then gets an opportunity to point out, “See…”, further isolating and discrediting the victim.
A strategic approach to confront them is to inquire about the meaning behind their remarks. Even if you are fully aware of their intent, posing the question forces them to elucidate to the group.
While they’re well aware that you comprehend their message, employing this tactic shifts the dynamics, compelling them into a defensive stance. Simultaneously, you subject them to self-reflection.
Maintain a composed demeanor when employing this strategy. Succumbing to emotions diminishes your influence and plays into the narcissist’s hands.
A cautionary note accompanies this tactic. As mentioned, it has the potential to incite a narcissistic outburst of rage. The subsequent explanation will shed light on this phenomenon.
The Narcissistic Wound
My parents once co-owned a pet shop, with my narcissistic mother manipulating my father’s involvement.
As an avid animal lover, my perspective shifted as I grew older, recognizing that animal trafficking equates to animal suffering. Eager to discuss this with my mother, I hoped for a response focused on responsible animal sales.
However, her reaction was quite the opposite.
Approaching the topic amicably and without blame, she responded with anger. She yelled at me, stating that I, too, benefited from the store and could leave if I didn’t like it.
It became clear that I had triggered her by addressing her actions. This pattern repeated when discussing past mental abuse during my youth (refer to the article on Narcissistic Mother).
Holding a narcissist accountable exposes their false self, challenging their belief in perfection and benevolence. Confronting them about their misdeeds opens what we call a narcissistic wound.
In some cases, narcissists may resort to physical violence when confronted. If this happens, prioritize your safety immediately!
Tip: Monitor your emotions closely when conversing with a narcissist!
