A few years ago, someone recommended a book about codependency. The term was new to me, but I found a lot of recognition. In this article, I’ll explore the relationship between codependency and narcissism.
What is codependency?
Codependency refers to a mental health condition prevalent in individuals raised in dysfunctional families. Children from families with a narcissistic parent often develop into either narcissists or codependents, depending on the assigned role (golden child or scapegoat).
A child of a narcissistic parent learns to self-efface to gain love and appreciation, suppressing its own feelings due to fear of rejection and anger.
Those growing up codependent may face challenges in later life, such as:
- Developing healthy self-esteem
- Expressing one’s own feelings
- Taking care of one’s own needs
- Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries
- Dealing with mistakes in a functional way, hindering learning and development.
Codependency and the DSM
While codependency is not officially listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), its symptoms are covered under various disorders in Cluster C. Cluster C encompasses psychological disorders characterized by anxious and/or tense behavior.
Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder is categorized under Cluster B, also known as the Drama Cluster, where theatrical, emotional, and/or erratic behavior are the main symptoms.
Codependency According to the Co-Dependents Anonymous
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) avoids a narrow definition of codependency but outlines key characteristics related to denial, self-esteem, compliance, and control:
Denial
Those with codependency struggle to recognize their feelings, downplaying or denying them. They perceive themselves as selfless and dedicated to others’ well-being.
Self-esteem
Codependents have difficulty making decisions and excessively criticize their words, thoughts, and actions. They feel uneasy receiving compliments or gifts and struggle to ask others to meet their needs.
They prioritize others’ approval over self-esteem, akin to narcissists, seeking validation externally.
Compliant
Individuals with codependency struggle to assert themselves, fearing potential anger or rejection from others. They are highly sensitive to others’ emotions, often adopting those emotions themselves.
Those with codependency display extreme loyalty, often prolonging toxic relationships. They prioritize others’ opinions and feelings over their own and hesitate to express differing viewpoints or emotions.
Control
Codependents believe others are incapable of self-care. They may attempt to compel others to feel anger if their offers of help are declined.
Additionally, they only feel comfortable in a relationship when the other person expresses a need for them.
Codependency Resulting from Narcissistic Abuse
Using myself as an example: I identify with certain aspects, like difficulty asking for something, a direct result of narcissistic abuse.
Requesting anything from my narcissistic mother often led to aggressive responses, fostering the expectation of an unreasonable reaction.
Consequently, standing up for myself became challenging.
Concern for others’ opinions once consumed me, though that has significantly diminished.
In my childhood, I hesitated to take a different stance, seeking my narcissistic mother’s opinion first. However, I evolved into a strong-willed individual who expresses dissent when appropriate.
The control aspect is less applicable to me; I generally avoid interfering with others. Yet, in a past relationship, I felt compelled to “save” the other person. More on that later…
Recognition of Codependency
Upon discovering codependency, I promptly identified two significant events in my life—one intertwined with my upbringing and the other involving a later relationship.
Father’s Struggles
In the detailed account “Narcissistic Mother,” I’ve outlined my upbringing with a mother with narcissistic personality disorder and a father grappling with war trauma. In 1981, my mother coerced my father into a mental institution, using divorce as leverage. Upon his return after two years, she initiated divorce proceedings.
By spring 1984, during one of the most challenging periods of my life, my father relocated to his home, conveniently situated across the street from the rest of the family. Witnessing his suffering, I, out of compassion, visited him daily after school. This act incurred vehement opposition from my narcissistic mother, who labeled me a defector upon each return. Despite my humane gestures, I endured her criticism.
My visits to my father increased, but it wasn’t a solace. Consumed by his grief, he scarcely acknowledged mine, burdening me with his frustrations. This proved emotionally taxing for a 16-year-old. Feeling responsible for his well-being, I neglected myself, sacrificing a part of my youth for my despondent father—unaware, at the time, that this self-sacrifice aligned with codependency.
Girlfriend’s Struggle
In 2003, I had a girlfriend who shared a history of trauma. She had been sexually abused during her childhood.
We met in a chat box, progressed to phone calls, and our connection deepened into dates, forming a relationship. She disclosed her recent divorce and current stay with her parents.
Her challenging childhood awakened my nurturing instincts, a manifestation of codependency.
The initial ten days of our relationship were blissful. However, after our second date, she unveiled the hardships she faced.
Drug Revelation
On a Wednesday evening, she called me abruptly. “How do I explain this?” she sighed. She confessed to grappling with drug use since her traumatic childhood. Although she had distanced herself from drugs, her friends still indulged.
That day, while conversing with them, the police intervened, arresting the entire group for drug possession.
Typically, her lack of possession wouldn’t be concerning. However, a member, harboring resentment and infatuation, falsely implicated her in the incident.
Legal Complications
The situation worsened as she had legal troubles, with a suspended prison sentence looming over her. The gravity of her actions risked activating the sentence.
A tumultuous period ensued. She remained tight-lipped about the specifics of the suspended sentence, but conveyed that if imprisoned, she’d end our relationship to spare me prison visits.
Eventually, the infatuated accuser recanted, seemingly resolving the matter. Yet, peculiar incidents persisted.
In hindsight, doubts arose about the accuracy of her disclosures. Suspicions lingered, suggesting ongoing divorce proceedings undisclosed by her. The web of lies expanded.
Hidden Parenthood
One of her fabrications revolved around having no children initially. She claimed a past miscarriage. Yet, I frequently encountered a child in her company – one time a girl of tender years, another time an approximately eight-year-old boy.
She attributed their presence to babysitting her brother’s kids. Years later, it unveiled: they were her own children, just as suspected.
Had I been aware of the complete truth beforehand, I would have never initiated this destructive relationship. However, when immersed in such situations, it’s not easy to extricate oneself. As previously mentioned, her harrowing childhood invoked my compassionate nature, leading me to tolerate far more than I should have.
Breaking Point
The first time she crossed the line was during an evening phone call. Earlier that day, she had been with me, sharing a harrowing incident of abuse, tearfully expressing, “It hurts so much.” Suddenly, she had an epileptic fit.
Given her instructions, I placed her on the bed, waiting for her to recover. The minutes felt like hours, and the pain was indescribable. If not for that morning’s incident, I would have ended the relationship that evening.
During the call, she was with troublesome friends in a broken-open garden shed. Furious, I urged her to leave immediately. She did, along with the group, but police soon arrived, leading them to hide in a ditch—all while I had her live on the phone!
The police failed to find them, and she once again evaded the suspended prison sentence. However, this incident raised serious doubts about our relationship. While I was attempting to “rescue” her – a symptom of codependency – she consistently found herself in trouble.
My self-sacrifice had its limits, and I began questioning the future with her. The doubt grew louder. After enduring six months of misery, I finally terminated the relationship.
Codependency and Narcissism
Individuals with codependency often find themselves in relationships with narcissists. Both seek self-esteem externally, and codependents allow narcissists to violate boundaries without consequences, making them attractive to narcissists.
To my knowledge, I’ve never had a narcissistic girlfriend. However, a few years before the aforementioned relationship, I experienced a brief toxic connection with a woman solely interested in money. Her manipulation tactics induced guilt if I didn’t fulfill her financial desires. Could she be a female narcissist?
Within a week, it became evident that a future with her was untenable. Nevertheless, I waited another week before ending the relationship.
In a more recent relationship, my girlfriend exhibited erratic behavior, often leading to regular drama, and she consistently dismissed my perspective. Despite multiple attempts to end the relationship, she always persuaded me to continue.
During that period, I believed she genuinely cared for me. However, unexpectedly, she replaced me with someone else. Could she be a female narcissist? Perhaps, but I refrain from labeling just anyone.
Codependent-Narcissist Relationship Dynamics
In a relationship with a narcissist, a codependent often attempts to change them. However, it’s established that a narcissist is resistant to change, often deflecting blame onto others.
Despite enduring psychological and occasional physical abuse, a codependent remains loyal for an extended period. The narcissist adeptly gauges the limits, employing a cycle of psychological violence followed by brief rewarding phases, ensuring the codependent remains entangled in the toxic dynamic.
This dynamic isn’t exclusive to those with codependency; narcissists use it universally. However, individuals with codependency endure it for extended periods.
Consequently, those who developed codependency due to narcissistic abuse are susceptible to becoming victims again.
Share your experiences or reflections on this. Your insights contribute to empowering others. Knowledge is power!
