Herman has previously discussed how specific personality types can attract narcissists. What hasn’t been explored yet is how individuals with ADHD become vulnerable targets for narcissists. In this guest blog, Meinte de Groot delves into the connection between people with ADHD and narcissists.
Who is Meinte de Groot?
I am 54 and was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 34. After years of self-discovery and learning to cope, I decided seven years ago to establish a coaching practice for people with ADHD. Unfortunately, I had to bring it to an end a few years ago.
During my coaching tenure, I discovered that people with ADHD often attract narcissists due to their struggle with low self-esteem. This vulnerability becomes a tool that narcissists exploit to entangle individuals in their webs.
Four clients were certain that they were or had been involved in a narcissistic relationship. At the time, I lacked sufficient knowledge to assist them adequately. Consequently, I embarked on an extensive search for information about narcissism, and even after closing the practice, my interest in the subject remained high.
What is ADHD?
ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, a term encompassing a cluster of symptoms outlined in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).
Most characteristic are impulsive behavior, concentration problems, restlessness, and learning difficulties. These symptoms are present from childhood and often hinder daily social functioning.
ADHD and Narcissism
Adults with ADHD often unconsciously make poor choices, primarily driven by a desire to please, perform well, avoid failure, and fit in with others.
Individuals with ADHD are particularly sensitive to those who make them feel truly fantastic. Consequently, they may strive even harder to excel, as achieving ‘good’ is never satisfying enough for someone with ADHD.
Abusive Relationships
Too often, you observe individuals with ADHD caught in relationships where they face sexual abuse at times, but almost always endure mental abuse. They are constantly placed beneath the other party in the relationship, whether it’s in friendships or romantic affairs, and often fail to recognize the abuse.
They tolerate being belittled, insulted, and, in extreme cases, even isolated from their social circle by the other party. Family ties are severed, and friendships come to an end until they are left with only the person perpetuating the abuse.
Some eventually open their eyes and end the relationship, putting an end to the abuse. However, they might then blindly fall into the next “wrong” relationship, leaving family and friends bewildered.
For the record, not every person with ADHD experiences this type of relationship. Still, the likelihood of an individual with ADHD ending up in such a relationship is higher than that of an average person without ADHD.
ADHDers: Easy Prey for Narcissists
Considering everything mentioned above and the examples provided, it’s not surprising that many “love relationships” involve a narcissist and an individual with ADHD. For a narcissist, manipulating them is remarkably easy, given that they go above and beyond to please, fit in, and be liked.
Particularly when Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder individuals face additional challenges, they become vulnerable targets for narcissists.
And who is better at manipulating someone willing to do anything to fit in than a narcissist? Once an ADHD person is entangled in the web of narcissistic abuse, escape seems impossible. Everyone is wrong, everyone is acting foolish, and everyone can be dismissed. It’s everyone’s fault, except the narcissistic partner’s. No, for the ADHD person, only one thing is important in that moment – the relationship!
Family and friends are pushed aside, and the narcissist has free rein. The individual with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is caught in a black widow’s web.
After a while, they are so entangled in the web that there’s no turning back. There will be numerous attempts to break free, but the narcissist will always retaliate, pulling the individual with ADHD back into the web. The abuse then continues unchecked.
How to Protect Your Child with ADHD from Narcissists
Now, I can already hear parents of children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder wondering if they should tie their child to a pole. Of course not.
As I mentioned, it doesn’t happen to everyone with ADHD. However, as a parent, you must realize that your child with ADHD is easily manipulated, may initiate relationships impulsively, and struggles to assess cause and effect. So now, as a parent, you know that you have an extra responsibility.
Because once they find themselves trapped in a relationship with a narcissist, it is often too late to intervene.
Remember, prevention is better than cure.
Meinte de Groot
