Narcissitic stalker

Narcissists often turn out to be stalkers when a relationship ends. It’s another example of them attempting anything to get their way. They alternate between reacting angryly, rude, vicious, or even praising you. They want attention and they try to get it in all sorts of ways.

The way a narcissistic stalker works

This time we see some of the tactics a stalker uses. In my previous blog ‘Domestic violence? That doesn’t happen to me!‘ I had the example of Mary and Joe. Mary was done with Joe after seven years and ended the relationship. Apparently Joe couldn’t handle this and turned out to be a stalker. He started sending her hundreds of text messages a day. Mary asked him to stop.

SMS: beep beep beep: Mary floats up in the sewer

An email soon followed:
If you want to feel hurt forever by my texting, that’s on you. My therapist says that if you love each other, this kind of thing isn’t an obstacle and she’s right about that. If you nevertheless want to use it as a justification, that is your right and I must “respect” that, but at the same time I may see that it is nonsensical if you really love me.

Mary responds via email that he must stop his actions. If he loved her, he wouldn’t wish her dead, floating in the sewer.

A quick answer follows:
I didn’t wish you dead; and I didn’t wish you in the sewer. Please read what it says. It’s verifiable nonsense. You just don’t want to understand. Wouldn’t you really like to be able to say that you were hurt beyond words? Do you want to be a victim deep down in your heart?

Another email…

Mary wisely remains silent, but another email from stalker Joe soon follows:

I don’t feel like you ever spoiled me outside of bed (and in bed, you never took any initiative). You did cook for me and it was tasty – very cheap, – but what was out there? I’m starting to doubt my thoughts about the bed more and more. You don’t have to scream with pleasure, but with you, it was barely noticeable. Did you suppress it, or can you really not give in to yourself? I had a great time in bed with almost all my girlfriends and that strengthened those relationships.

And then another text: Beep beep beep beep: Hey welfare mother, you’re not worth it

The tone changes again…

Mary doesn’t respond and the tone changes again and the emails of the stalker follow in quick succession:
Again, I was angry. I had first called you welfare mother; that made no sense. Then parasite and that’s not right either. I know you’ve always loved me and didn’t parasitize me. I’d like you to start doing that now.

Mary, don’t misinterpret this, I understand it hurts you and I’ve gone too far. I’m terribly sorry – because I lost you. But at the same time, if the same thing had happened in reverse, I don’t think it would have affected me so much. The insult has become an abstraction. I know you are not a welfare mother, nor a parasite.

The stalker continues…

If Mary doesn’t respond, the stalker continues to send emails:
Mary, I can probably live without you. But I know life with you will be much more fun. I don’t know if I can ever change and how long it will take for me to change in such a way that you feel happy with me too. Indeed, it only makes sense to marry – insofar as you think that “archaic institution” still makes any sense – if you know that you trust each other completely.

I imagined that, where expressing my love for you occasionally falls short, I “offer” you marriage – as if it were something one-sided – because deep in my heart, I know that you are the only one in my life are (and I think someday will be) with whom I want to connect. The symbolic value is that I  always remember that I deliberately chose you. I know I need you much more than you need me. I know I don’t want anyone else, though I see others want me – but not for the reason you ever wanted me, which is pure love. I want you by my side to enjoy the world together for the rest of my life, despite all the obstacles.

I know you can hardly understand this, but I hurt you because I love you dearly and you hurt me greatly.

Love, your Joe.

When a narcissist doesn’t get his way…

Mary doesn’t have weak knees yet and doesn’t react. Of course, stalker Joe is not satisfied with that.

An SMS follows: beep beep beep beep: I loathe you.

Followed a little later by: beep beep beep beep: an extremely lovely gal calling herself Mary.

Less than 5 minutes later: Beep beep beep beep: Infantile arrogant bitch.

Mr. Joe has changed from a narcissist who doesn’t get his way into a stalker because he doesn’t get his way. Mary is bombarded by her stalker with hundreds of text messages, varying in tone from saccharine loving to vicious and rude, from remorseful to hostile. It drives her crazy. It doesn’t seem to stop.

Until he promises all kinds of things – he went to therapy for her anyway, he repents and wants to marry her. He was so good at making excuses, heavenly compliments, and false promises.

Again in the web of abuse

She falls into Joe’s trap again. He treats her to a long weekend in Berlin to celebrate the upcoming wedding. He confesses in Berlin that he sometimes excluded her because he was also dating another woman all those years, but she had to believe that it was not a love affair. It was a business connection. This woman had often accompanied him to his business outings. But from now on, Mary would come along as his partner. Mary immediately felt that something was off. She didn’t even need a marriage. What did it offer her?

She started talking about it at home. What value would a marriage have? Joe reacted very strangely: Marriage, had he ever imagined that? The fact that she resolutely broke up with him afterward was not well received. The stalker resurfaced in him. He alternated between pleading emails and text messages with lots of filthy, insulting language. Mary was a whore. She was worthless.

In desperation, she contacted a lawyer and sent Joe an email with a cc to this lawyer. She made it clear to him – by email – that if he didn’t stop, she would take legal action. In response, he sent a certified letter, in which he summoned her to transfer half of the costs of the “love weekend” in Berlin to him.

She didn’t pay her stalker.

How a Narcissist Becomes a Stalker

Narcissists often turn into a stalker if they don’t get their way. A narcissist is someone who always wants to win, and always wants to have the last word. The stalking went on endlessly, although Mary herself didn’t realize she was dealing with a stalker. How she found that out, I’ll tell you in a future blog.

Do you also have the experience that your ex partner has narcissistic traits and stalks you? Do you also have an on-off relationship? Write it up and let us know. After all, we can learn a lot from each other.