Many are unaware of the presence of evil individuals in our midst. Some, like my father, encounter a narcissistic partner. I’ve also had relationships with suspected female narcissists. In this article, I delve into narcissism in relationships, drawing from personal experiences.
The characteristics of a narcissistic partner
Identifying a narcissistic partner can be challenging in the early stages of a relationship. Initially, they often masquerade as the perfect companion, mirroring your interests and preferences.
I witnessed this firsthand with my own mother, who, upon entering a new relationship with an enthusiastic cyclist, suddenly claimed to share his passion for biking.
Such feigned interests serve as a facade to ingratiate themselves with potential victims. However, their true colors emerge when you deviate from their predetermined expectations for the relationship.
‘The perfect relationship’
Narcissists crave the “perfect relationship,” but only on their terms. Your desires and needs are inconsequential to them. They have a rigid script for how this ideal dynamic should unfold, and any deviation earns swift retribution.
Recognizing this punitive behavior is crucial in understanding narcissistic relationships, yet it often goes unnoticed. Many dismiss it as a misunderstanding and seek resolution through communication.
However, the narcissist remains indifferent to your perspective, growing increasingly hostile with each attempt to reason. It’s like talking to a brick wall!
I’ve personally experienced this phenomenon numerous times. In my article “Narcissistic Mother“, I recount the mental abuse I endured from her during childhood. When I attempted to address it as an adult, I faced a wall of narcissism.
Every time I broached the topic, she’d erupt in hysteria, acting as though I’d committed the gravest injustice by discussing something as ‘trivial’ as childhood psychological trauma. She’d often deflect, accusing me of selective treatment, claiming I never confronted my father similarly. Yet, my father isn’t the perpetrator, and discussing matters with him elicits a normal response.
A heart-to-heart conversation
Having a heart-to-heart conversation is a common approach to resolving conflicts in relationships. However, with a narcissistic partner, this doesn’t usually lead to resolution.
After an incident, people often hope to discuss it later, seeking closure. Yet, with a narcissist, the outcome remains unchanged. This was my experience during years of attempting to address my mother’s past actions. Each time, it ended without resolution, leaving me with a sense of hopelessness.
Even in my final attempt, I questioned whether it was worth it given her age. However, after decades of trying, it was clear she had ample opportunity to address the issues. Sadly, this attempt, like the others, led to a complete estrangement.
Narcissists seldom admit fault. If they do, it’s often to manipulate and maintain control. More commonly, they respond with anger and threats, making reconciliation difficult.
Your narcissistic partner employs a test by threatening to end the relationship. If you strive to salvage it, they understand they can exploit you.
However, if you agree to end it, they resort to manipulation, feigning remorse as a tactic. This “apology” typically involves anger rather than genuine regret. Should you confront this, expect further anger from the narcissist.
Don’t anticipate empathy where none exists!
Often, the victim believes they’ve reached their narcissistic partner, perceiving genuine remorse. However, the underlying issue remains unaddressed.
But connecting with a narcissist is futile due to their empathy deficit. Unlike most people, they lack the ability to comprehend and share others’ emotions.
A normal individual grasps the anguish a child endures from nightly scoldings with aggressive demeanor, as I experienced with my mother. Yet, my narcissistic mother deems this behavior normal and reacts furiously when confronted.
She even shares a desperate letter I penned, portraying me as the antagonist. This illustrates the distorted perspective of a narcissist.
The pain they inflict doesn’t register with them, hence your narcissistic partner won’t feel remorse for their actions.
When you break up with a narcissistic partner
When ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner, their true colors often emerge. Initially, they may conceal this behavior, but if the relationship deviates from their ‘perfect script,’ their narcissistic traits intensify.
Upon breakup, two scenarios unfold for the victim:
1. If you depart early, the narcissist swiftly moves on, seeking a new target. They’ll flaunt their newfound ‘true love,’ subjecting the next victim to the same mistreatment.
2. In long-term relationships, expect stalking and various tactics to complicate your life. Financial ruin is also a possibility.
When you stay with a narcissistic partner
Many victims endure long periods with their narcissistic partners. As I mentioned earlier, narcissists gauge your willingness to be a victim. Once established, they unleash their anger and aggression on you.
The more you tolerate this, the more they view you as weak and contemptible.
Externally, they uphold a false image, portraying themselves as perfect spouses, parents, or colleagues. Consequently, victims of narcissistic abuse often struggle to be believed.
Projection
Projection is a common tactic of narcissists when confronted about their behavior. They deflect by accusing you of the very things they do.
For instance, my mother, a narcissist, constantly portrayed herself as the victim of mistreatment by my gentle father. In reality, she was the one who behaved poorly.
Similarly, she labeled me as selfish, despite my struggle to assert myself, much like my father. However, since recognizing her narcissism, I understand the projection at play.
Also read the article Narcissistic mother
Narcissistic partner?
My ex-girlfriend, whom I discussed in the article “Narcissistic women“, exemplified this behavior. She consistently demanded money for various expenses. Initially, I covered all her costs, but when I eventually refused, she accused me of being stingy.
Even when I made spontaneous purchases for her, they were met with dissatisfaction. A healthy partner would appreciate the gesture, but she showed no gratitude and criticized the items as too cheap.
Narcissists often project their own negative traits onto others, accusing them of qualities they don’t possess. This tactic allows them to evade accountability for their actions. Additionally, they continually escalate their demands until they become unreasonable. When you establish boundaries, conflicts arise, and they criticize and argue with you.
It’s crucial to understand: You can’t satisfy a narcissist’s unreasonable demands or make them happy.
For more insights, refer to the article “Tactics of the Narcissist“
Moving swiftly
Whether it’s a male or female narcissist, they can be incredibly charming in the early stages of a relationship. Showering you with attention and gifts, they’ll even pretend to share your interests.
Initially, it feels like finding the perfect partner. However, it’s all a ploy to ensnare you in their abusive cycle.
Soon, they’ll push for commitments like moving in together or opening joint accounts, aiming to tighten their grip on you.
For more insights, read “Financial Exploitation by a Narcissist”
Recognize the signs? If so, you may be dealing with a narcissistic partner.
If you’re in the early stages of such a relationship, the best course of action is to gracefully end it. Opt for an excuse that allows your partner to save face.
Avoid confrontation, especially revealing your insight into their true nature! Doing so makes them feel defeated, increasing the likelihood of retaliation.
Instead, gracefully end the relationship with a plausible excuse. By not exposing their narcissism, they perceive themselves as victorious and move on to their next target.
For further insights, check out the article “Leaving the Narcissist – What’s Holding You Back?“
The long-term consequences of a narcissistic partner
Staying with a narcissistic partner for an extended period can have severe, lifelong consequences. Prolonged exposure to their abuse may result in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
In extreme cases, individuals with a narcissistic partner may even contemplate suicide. Sadly, seeking assistance is often met with misunderstanding, as narcissists are adept at isolating and controlling access to resources.
If you experience suicidal ideation, it’s crucial to seek professional support immediately.
- Suicide prevention in the USA >>
- Suicide prevention in Canada >>
- Suicide prevention in the United Kingdom >>
Based on my personal experience
Reflecting on my upbringing, I see the lasting impact of narcissistic abuse on my father. Despite already grappling with wartime trauma, two decades of marriage to a narcissistic spouse left him deeply scarred.
In my article “Narcissistic mother“, I detail how my mother’s threats of divorce drove him into institutional care. Through years of manipulation, she rendered him entirely dependent, exploiting his fear of losing her to gain full control.
Even after his return home following two years away, my mother insisted on divorce. The aftermath was a bitter battle that inflicted immense suffering on me as a child. Yet, when my father reclaimed the house she had taken, it seemed peace was restored.
Or so it seemed. Narcissistic partners may change tactics, but the war never truly ends. My father held onto hope for reconciliation, which my mother exploited, prolonging the cycle of abuse long after their divorce.
The Mean and Sweet Cycle
A favored tactic of narcissistic partners is the Mean and Sweet Cycle. In this pattern, your partner alternates between charming and hurtful behavior.
After periods of extreme cruelty, they switch to sweetness, making it hard for you to leave.
Over time, the Mean and Sweet Cycle evolves. Initially, mean phases are rare and brief, followed by prolonged periods of affection. However, as the relationship advances, mean phases become more common and longer-lasting. Conversely, the loving phases shorten and decrease in frequency.
As time passes, you’ll gradually normalize the cruel behavior and accept your role as a victim…
Once your narcissistic partner senses your acceptance of their cruelty as normal, they’ll intensify it during those phases. Conversely, their sweet side diminishes.
With each step in the relationship, you’ll feel closer to a precipice, with your partner wielding total control over your emotions.
This is precisely what a narcissist desires: dominance over their victim. It fuels their sense of power, deriving pleasure from your suffering. Meanwhile, they’ll convince you that you alone are responsible for your pain and deserving of it.
How my narcissistic mother used the Mean and Sweet Cycle
Growing up in a family entrenched in such dynamics, I normalized this behavior, unaware during my early years. Yet, one vivid memory stands out, revealing the mean and sweet cycle my narcissistic mother imposed on my father.
It was during his brief returns home after enduring her coercion into an institution. These weekends were marked by frequent, overtly violent outbursts, vividly chronicled in my article ‘Narcissistic Mother‘.
Though some labeled her as openly narcissistic, her aggression was confined to these volatile phases, indoors. Once, during dinner, she erupted into a tirade, declaring her hatred for Dad. Yet, come evening, a fleeting moment of affection ensued, with her rationalizing the outburst as a product of circumstance.
A crucial reminder: Genuine individuals display consistent behavior, while those with ill intentions exhibit a pattern of alternating between kindness and cruelty.
Stockholm syndrome
You’ve likely heard of Stockholm syndrome, a psychological phenomenon observed in hostage situations where captives develop empathy for their captors. Originating from the 1973 Norrmalmstorg robbery in Stockholm, it underscores the profound influence captors can exert over hostages.
Similar dynamics emerge in narcissistic relationships, where victims become conditioned to accept mistreatment as normal. Just as hostages may comply with their captors’ demands, victims of narcissistic manipulation often tolerate abusive behavior from their partners.
This conditioning extends to children of narcissistic parents, like myself, who internalize mistreatment as the norm. It took a significant event for me to recognize and break free from such relationships.
When children remain with a narcissistic partner…
When children remain with a narcissistic partner post-divorce, they become pawns in the narcissist’s manipulative games. The narcissist leverages them against the ex-partner and each other, exploiting them for narcissistic supply.
From personal experience, I know how this unfolds. As a sensitive child, I became the target of my father’s sorrow, visiting him daily after school out of compassion. But to my narcissistic mother, this empathy for someone other than her was a grave offense.
Every night, I endured insults and belittlement for my actions. At just 16, I shouldered the weight of my father’s burdens, only to face my mother’s wrath upon returning home.
In my article “Narcissistic Mother,” I delve into this dark period under “The Divorce“.
The chaos escalated with the involvement of my equally disturbed aunt, who maintained contact with both my mother and father. She relayed sensitive information to my father, causing further strife. My mother, quick to assign blame, accused me of espionage.
Despite her likely awareness of the source, my mother capitalized on the discord to foster division between my sister and me.
For more on the antics of this toxic aunt, refer to my article “Narcissistic Family” under “The Aunt“.
Narcissistic Partner vs. Narcissistic Parent
It’s evident that assigning children to the narcissistic partner is extremely detrimental. They’ll endure the same stress as the ex-partner.
More than the narcissist’s partner, children are reliant on the narcissistic parent. They have nowhere else to turn, and if they do confide in someone, they’re often disbelieved.
The narcissistic parent adeptly maintains a pristine image to outsiders, making it hard for others to fathom the internal turmoil. Moreover, they preemptively tarnish the children’s reputation.
Slandering Their Own Children
Reflecting on my childhood, I realize my narcissistic mother likely engaged in this behavior since my early school days. As a member of the parent committee, she likely painted a grim picture of me, which circulated among other parents and students.
Initially, I attributed these rumors to my sister, but now I suspect my mother fueled them during committee meetings. Consequently, teachers often harbored negative biases against me.
The narcissistic partner or parent orchestrates lies in advance to justify their misconduct and portray themselves as victims.
Prevention is Key
Encountering a narcissistic partner can kickstart a lengthy ordeal. What initially appears beautiful can morph into a nightmare, impacting even children.
Recognizing the Initial Signs of Narcissism in Relationships is Crucial!
- Jealous behavior and demands to sever ties with others signal trouble.
- Hypocritical actions, like imposing restrictions while freely indulging, raise red flags.
- Confrontation often leads to projection, with the narcissistic partner deflecting blame onto you.
Spot these signs? You might be dealing with a narcissistic partner!
Remember: A healthy partner prioritizes your happiness, while a narcissist undermines it.
Diverse Responses: Men vs. Women
In this article, I shared examples from my encounters with my narcissistic mother, a female narcissist. It’s intriguing how society’s reactions differ based on gender.
Picture a woman sharing warning signs with a friend about her partner. The friend might label him a bad man, suspecting infidelity, and advise her to leave.
Now, imagine a man confiding the same to a friend. Likely, he’d be told to ease up, trust his wife, and not overthink things.
Receiving such responses repeatedly makes one doubt their concerns, feeling they’re exaggerating or being paranoid.
Society often perceives men as resilient, overlooking abuse inflicted by women. Male victims are labeled weak, despite experiencing equal pain.
Moreover, both men and children suffer similarly at the hands of narcissistic partners, irrespective of gender.
Establishing Boundaries
When your partner controls your social circle and activities while enjoying unlimited freedom, it’s hypocritical. They may view you as someone lacking boundaries, making you vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation.
Establishing boundaries is crucial, even with non-toxic individuals. Healthy relationships involve mutual growth and coordination, not one-sided restrictions.
Unfortunately, many are unaware of such toxic individuals, allowing them to wreak havoc in our lives.
That wraps up this discussion on narcissism in relationships. Any thoughts or additions? Share them in the comments. Knowledge is power!
